The other reason I'm awake is because of the things I wasn't allowed to take pictures of, yet the images are burned in my mind forever. It's like a scar that will never heal, no matter what I do to try healing it. I guess that's what God does when he wants you to do something. He starts a fire to scar your heart so that you'll pay attention to it, never forget it, and keep working to care for it. I'm sure those who are working in Haiti understand what I'm trying to explain, and those who've seen inside the orphanages here in Eastern Europe understand it too.
It is impossible to come to a place like this, and leave the same person you were before. I've known for a long time I needed to come here and see for myself, because I didn't feel I could adequately advocate for these children and families without doing so. Now I have seen, and now I have to do something. There are children who will be dead in a matter of months. There are others who will be subjected to far worse horrors than they've already experienced if they're not adopted soon. How can I walk away knowing that? How can I hold a child in my arms, feel him sink into me, his spirit soaking up the love from my heart like a dry sponge dropped into a sink full of water. It was all I could do to put him down, when what I really wanted to do was run with him, knowing that he's going to die very soon because nobody will save him. It's not because he's sick, it's because nobody wants him. How can that be? How can ANYONE live with that knowledge and not DO something? How can I hold a child, watch her desperate attempts to prove she is worthy of being loved, then just turn my back and pretend I'd never seen her, only to wake up every morning knowing today could be the day she is moved to hell itself?
This is too much knowledge for me. This is more than I wanted to know. Why couldn't I stand back for once, and let someone else get involved? Let someone else fix the problems in a country 1/2 way around the world? Because, God CHOSE me. HE put me here. He put ME....here....HERE!!! Do you know ME? Those who do are wondering what in the world *I* am doing here. HE took a branding iron that is his call, and pressed it against my heart, searing it...scarring it...making it permanent. The very part of me that makes me who I am....my heart...has been branded by the call of God to do THIS.
Wow...that's a lot to think about. I wonder if I am worthy of this job?