I was going back over my blog posts the last couple of weeks, and most of them are negative in some way or another. I guess I'm in a funk! And then I realized why. It has been a very long couple of weeks with Angela.
I have no idea what is going on, but she has been absolutely horrible. There are a lot of factors contributing, I'm sure, hormones being one of them. But the rest? It's a mystery. Some of you reading know Angela personally, and have seen her when she's in her worst moods, so let me just clarify, THIS IS FAR WORSE! I haven't seen this level of aggression in a very long time. I won't go into all the details, but let just say WE ARE AT OUR LIMIT!
Not only have I been in tears every day, but I've gone to bed in tears because I either feel horrible about the day, or wonder how I could have handled various situations differently, or because I'm worried that I'm going to wake up to more of the same the next morning and have to do it all over again. It doesn't help that the only break I can really count on is when she goes to her dad's, and he's bailed on my the last couple of weekends. When all I'm doing is struggling to make it to the weekend when I know I can get a break, and then it's pulled out from underneath me. No, this does not go over very well in my spirit.
So yeah, this whining is all about me, me me me me me me. But what about Angela? She can't be happy. Why isn't she happy? Why is she so miserable that she's determined to make everyone around her miserable. Why is she SO ANGRY? No kid should be so angry. Is this just what happens when a kid can't communicate her displeasure with the world like a typical teenager can? I have been through some very rough teenagers, and believe me, this is FAR WORSE!
Or, maybe she's just in PAIN? Anyone I've talked to with Achalasia says it's excruciatingly painful, and we know that it's progressive. We also know that Angela has started having more trouble swallowing over the past few weeks, so maybe some of this anger is coming from discomfort?
So there are lots of questions, and there are no answers. That's the hard part for me mentally and emotionally. That there is no end in sight. That we will probably have this for many years to come and it makes me exhausted just thinking about it. Angela is so smart, and so funny, and so CAPABLE, but this crap holds her back in so many ways. The other day her teacher was in a situation with her, and kept reminding herself that WE live with this. We don't get to send the kid home and then enjoy the rest of our day. That was both validating and sad, all at the same time.
So that's my "being real" post for today. I'm a person who likes to find the good in all things, and man, I am STRUGGLING with that right now!