Traveling internationally holds for me a level of anxiety that is far different than if I fly to...say...Floriday. I mean, the plane is going to be going over water. A LOT of water. For many hours. That's where my anxiety starts, and though I try to keep it to myself (because it's silly, really. Right?) I still start having dreams about about my car going into a lake underwater, etc.
Then of course there is the whole "preparing everything for Dean to manage the house alone" part of the preparation. What did I forget? WHO KNOWS!
But this trip has been different. Last night when I said goodnight to Angela, as I reminded her that today would be different. That when she comes home from school I'll be on an airplane. As I talk to her, and kissed her goodnight, the smell of her hair struck me. A little shampoo, some conditioner that didn't quite all get rinsed out, and her. I sniffed long and hard, trying to memorize that smell. She is amazing, this daughter of mine.
With Angela drifting off to sleep, I went upstairs to put some more things I'd almost forgotten about in the suitcase. And then I remembered something. An emergency document for Dean that needed to be signed an notarized before I left, and in Dean's hands....just in case.
This morning going through the morning routine was tense. Dean was feeling stressed, I was worried about what I'd forgotten, etc. Then I remembered, "Dean, in this file, in this manilla envelope marked "Axel's Documents" are all of Axel's adoption documents, just in case you should need them. And in this file, directly in front of it, are things you might need for Angela.
I was feeling like I was saying goodbye to everyone like I wasn't coming back. I can't tell you how many times I cried. Even one hard, ugly cry.
I recognized it for what it was. An attack from Satan. You see, he knows that big things are going to happen for God on this trip, and he isn't happy! On the drive to the airport, Kaci called me to say she'd had a rough morning. All the exact same feelings and thoughts going through her mind. Satan at work. Making us worry and fret. "Back out now while you still can!" he's screaming. Sorry Satan, we have work to do, and we're doing it. My time will come when God says it's time. Today, tomorrow, or 40 years from now. But right now, my eyes are on God and his directive.
Now, I'm going to board my plane for DC. Life is good. God is better!