I've always made sure my kids learned how to handle disappointment. There are times in everyone's life when things just don't work out the way you wanted or expected them to. Maybe it's not getting to see a friend you wanted to see. Maybe it's vacation plans that didn't pan out. Maybe it's a marriage that failed. Maybe....maybe it's your own parents.
Sadly, this is what Angela experiences nearly every weekend she's supposed to go with her dad. Since we separated in the spring of 2002, I cannot even count the number of times he has either
A. not shown up all together because "My truck broke down" (it has "broken down" no less than 20 times since our divorce.) or some other similar excuse. I bet if I'd kept track over the year, there would be no less that 20 flat tires, 15 blown radiators, and countless unexplainable ailments to whatever vehicle he's driving at the moment. It's sickening. But it's not new. When we were married had had a habit of not coming home when expected for all the same reasons. It wasn't until later when I unexpectedly ran into him somewhere he wasn't supposed to be that I realized what a horrible liar he was.
B. Shown up a day late to only spend HALF the weekend with her because...well...he's too busy, has a Dr. appointment, can't get off work, etc. Ok, the Dr. appointment thing irritates me. I wonder when was the last time *I* went to a dr. appointment without Angela? Good grief, she's even coming with me for a MAMMOGRAM next week!
I'm so tired of it. It's impossible for me to make any plans. When I do, they get canceled because of his problem. Tonight is yet another example of how I have to scramble to figure things out because her dad is...as usual..undependable.
Most of all, Angela is tired of it. The last time she went to her dad's, the night before she was crabby about something. Now, a long time ago I stopped telling her about Dad coming until I knew he was on his way. You know, that who dependability thing. Anyway, this particular night I said, "Hey guess what? Tomorrow Dad is picking you up!"
Angela looked at me, stuck out her bottom lip, crossed her arms and said, "I'm not go to Dad's. I'm not wanna go."
I've never seen her act this way before. I was careful not to feed into it knowing it could easily become a habit for her to react this way. I didn't ask her why, or anything else for that matter.
The next morning I told her "Dad is going to get you off the bus today!" (while inside I was a panic..what if he doesn't show up again, and there she is home alone???) Angela, who had been happily trotting down the driveway to meet the bus, stopped in her tracks. She turned, and in an exasperated tone asked, "Why? Why I go my dad's for?"
"Well, because you haven't seen him for a couple of weeks. I know he's excited to see you. I bet "D" will be there. (the new girlfriend who Angela seems to like.)
In a monotone she replied, "Oh..ok. I see "D". Not Dad though....Just 'D'. "
UGH!!!!! Now, I know that when she actually did get off the bus that day and saw her dad waiting for her she was excited. But why this other reaction? This is the most difficult part about being a parent. When you're divorced and your kid doesn't want to go. My boys did the same thing but they were a little older and had lots of friends to hang out with on the weekends, vs. Dad's where they were kinda bored.
And don't think there aren't red flags waving in my face every day about this issue. But for now, Angela associates her dad with a few good things (fishing, dinner at grandma's, and connections to her brothers) but also to constant disappointments and let downs. I can only shield her from so much. He is who he is. I haven't told her that he was supposed to come tonight, and I haven't told her he's coming tomorrow because chances are good that he won't show up. It's sad that he doesn't understand that like his other kids, he's slowly causing his relationship with Angela to deteriorate. Each disappointment caused by him decreases her trust in him.
For those who read my blog and email me about what a great person I am, how "forgiving" I am, and all those other endearing qualities, I can tell you this is one area where I fall well short of what God would would want. Sometimes after a phone conversation of "I can't be there this weekend...my truck broke down" I hang and say really bad things and think really bad thoughts. I am so angry!!!! This is one area where "a good Christian heart" does not describe me. I can't stand a person who will hurt my child weather it be physically, emotionally, or spiritually. I have no patience. ZERO. It was gone the day I walked out the door.
2 comments:
Did things ever get better with Angela's dad? I am @mrsckugs on twitter in case you are wondering who in the world is reading this far back.
Leslie, here we are in 2019. Angela is turning 23 years old in two weeks. She hasn't seen her biological father in almost a year. Prior to that it was 6 months. The last time she went I waited until he called to say he was 15 minutes away. "Hey Angela, get some nice close on quick! There is a surprise coming to the door in a few minutes." She quickly dressed and brushed her hair. When she saw him get out of the truck her shoulders dropped. "Oh." was her only response. She walked to his truck, and didn't even say hello to him. Just got in. I knew they were going out to eat. Angela LOVES restaurants so when she got home I asked where they went. In a monotone she said, "Just Applebees". I was so sad for her. That is her favorite place, but even that couldn't get her past the fact she just doesn't want to spend time with him anymore. The extremely rare occasion he calls her, it is late at night, but she refuses to answer. His number is in her phone but she won't call. She calls her brothers, but won't call her biological father. A couple months ago she was talking to one of her friends on the phone, "Mom, what's my other dad's name again?" Thankfully she and Dean have a wonderful relationship, and he is her DAD. He does all the things for her that her biological father never did, and and never will do.
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