There are so many things on my mind right now. This post will be all over the place, just like my thoughts are lately.
First, let me talk about stupid cancer. It is keeping me awake at night. My moods vacillate between angry, confused, sad, irritable, accepting…..and then there is nervous. I can't help but be nervous. In the scheme of things, a lumpectomy is nothing. I have had MUCH more invasive procedures done than this. But really, its the waiting for the lymph node biopsy that makes me nervous. If the cancer is in my nodes…….
Abel had an amazing day at school today. His best yet. He had a really tough time while I was gone. Thankfully he has awesome staff at school who care about him, and understand how his previous environment caused so much damage that we all have to work so hard to fix. And that some of it may never be fixed. I pray the coming days continue to be good ones. I'm glad we've come up with a plan to keep his days as consistent as possible.
Angela and Axel have a teen dance coming up. Angela is SO very excited. Dances are her thing. Axel will like it too. He's not as excited as Angela because he doesn't get what I'm telling him yet. When we get there he'll be happy he's there.
Asher. The love. He's just a happy guy. He's vying for attention right now, soaking up all the extra he's getting as we make a point of letting him know his place in the family is so important. Now he's the big brother to a sister 6 weeks older than him. He is loving his role and very proud to show Audrey all the things big kids can do.
And Audrey. Oh this child! Every day she melts Dean and I into a puddle of mush as she bats her eye lashes and flashes her grin. She is pure light and joy. Our other kids are happy kids, but Audrey….she is different. I wish I could explain it to you. She twirls to music and showers us with hugs and kisses, or convinces us to sing "Head Shoulders Knees and Toes" for the 75,000th time and we do it because she's such a joy to watch when we do. She is understanding so many directions right now, and every day surprising us with something we didn't know she knew! We have found it works best for Angela to go to bed first so she can fall asleep before Audrey comes in. With that came the discovery that Audrey gets a second wind in the evening when its just her with her mama and Papa, and she is hilarious to watch.
I have found the last few days I've been a bit irritable, and as I stop myself from snapping at someone I wonder where this irritability is coming from. Then I go on the breast cancer forums to discover I'm not alone. It is just part of the emotional journey through breast cancer. I still can't believe I am typing those words. Breast cancer. Two little words which cause my stomach to twist into knots and bile rise in my throat. Words that cause a tear to roll down my cheek. Even as I refuse to claim parts of it, I know the story is already written. I want to turn to the last chapter to see the ending, but the pages have been torn out. I can only know the outcome as I experience each event.
First, let me talk about stupid cancer. It is keeping me awake at night. My moods vacillate between angry, confused, sad, irritable, accepting…..and then there is nervous. I can't help but be nervous. In the scheme of things, a lumpectomy is nothing. I have had MUCH more invasive procedures done than this. But really, its the waiting for the lymph node biopsy that makes me nervous. If the cancer is in my nodes…….
Abel had an amazing day at school today. His best yet. He had a really tough time while I was gone. Thankfully he has awesome staff at school who care about him, and understand how his previous environment caused so much damage that we all have to work so hard to fix. And that some of it may never be fixed. I pray the coming days continue to be good ones. I'm glad we've come up with a plan to keep his days as consistent as possible.
Angela and Axel have a teen dance coming up. Angela is SO very excited. Dances are her thing. Axel will like it too. He's not as excited as Angela because he doesn't get what I'm telling him yet. When we get there he'll be happy he's there.
Asher. The love. He's just a happy guy. He's vying for attention right now, soaking up all the extra he's getting as we make a point of letting him know his place in the family is so important. Now he's the big brother to a sister 6 weeks older than him. He is loving his role and very proud to show Audrey all the things big kids can do.
And Audrey. Oh this child! Every day she melts Dean and I into a puddle of mush as she bats her eye lashes and flashes her grin. She is pure light and joy. Our other kids are happy kids, but Audrey….she is different. I wish I could explain it to you. She twirls to music and showers us with hugs and kisses, or convinces us to sing "Head Shoulders Knees and Toes" for the 75,000th time and we do it because she's such a joy to watch when we do. She is understanding so many directions right now, and every day surprising us with something we didn't know she knew! We have found it works best for Angela to go to bed first so she can fall asleep before Audrey comes in. With that came the discovery that Audrey gets a second wind in the evening when its just her with her mama and Papa, and she is hilarious to watch.
I have found the last few days I've been a bit irritable, and as I stop myself from snapping at someone I wonder where this irritability is coming from. Then I go on the breast cancer forums to discover I'm not alone. It is just part of the emotional journey through breast cancer. I still can't believe I am typing those words. Breast cancer. Two little words which cause my stomach to twist into knots and bile rise in my throat. Words that cause a tear to roll down my cheek. Even as I refuse to claim parts of it, I know the story is already written. I want to turn to the last chapter to see the ending, but the pages have been torn out. I can only know the outcome as I experience each event.
5 comments:
Oh honey, my heart goes out to you. I'm so glad you have found through the forums that what you are feeling is totally normal. So glad Abel had such a good day at school, may it will be the first of many. You will have such fun watching Angela and Axel at the dance, totally enjoying themselves. Your Asher sounds like mine. I call mine smooch cause he's always cuddling up to me or giving me a kiss(he is my total Mumas boy). It must be so heart warming to watch this beautiful child that is Audrey just growing into who God made her to be, now she is free to be herself. What a wonderful gift to watch and be apart of. Know that we are praying for you and Dean to be carried in His hands and for the kids too as they live this ride with you. Hugs
Wish I lived nearby to bring dinner! Yesterday as I was making my way back home through busy traffic, they play Phillip Phillips song Going Home. It will always make me think of you. You shared it after your friend's daughter died in that shooting, it was the first time I heard it, but I loved the song It is a "happy song" to my whole family and we turn the volume up full blast. So, while listening to this, thinking of you was a happy thought. Somehow, it seems you are the one paving the way for so many friends walking the road behind you, making our steps easier for whatever difficulty we might face. You're a survivor Leah, with uplifting stories to share. Praying for each day you face, for God to show you His direction. I pray your autum will turn to Spring, but that spring will turn into full blooming Summer full of Joy on Song!
Would love a video of HSK&T! She is just precious! I am sure the joy is boosting your immune system. You are so much bigger and stronger than stupid cancer.
Oh Leah -- continuing to pray for that "stupid poison" to be gone forever with your treatments! I just had my "every other year - breast mammogram" this morning -- hope it comes back negative. I have those "lumpy breasts" - What joy reading about your "gifts from God, your children" -- thank you for sharing and praying for you to be able to sleep and get some rest!
wanted to let you know that i had a mammogram today. if you hadn't told your story, i probably wouldn't have since i'm only 35 with no family history. but because of your story i did. thank you.
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