Blogging about life in Minnesota, raising our six kids with Down syndrome while battling Breast Cancer.

Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor in the morning the devil says, "Oh shit! She's up!"

Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Tomorrow

Those who know me in real life think I'm always seem to have everything under control. That I roll with the punches and move on. There are only three people who ever see me get truly upset: Dean, my sister and my mom. I don't want to say I handle stresses "better" than other people, I just handle them "differently". Yes, I have probably learned some really good coping skills over the years.

I've lived through a lot of stuff, and as a person with control issues I can tell you it is the number one lesson God keeps putting before me. I KNOW…I KNOW God has this. I know he has known I would have cancer since before I even existed, and that he knows my final outcome. He knows when, where and how I will take my last breath. No matter what I do, that story cannot be re-written because it is already written in His breath. And so, when something like "You have cancer" happens, I freak out for a minute but quickly gather my wits and move on. I remind myself,  "He already knows. This is not a surprise to Him, I just need to suck it up and deal with it."

When I get really stressed, my instinct is to sleep for days until the problem goes away. Some people would call this depression. I call it "If I can just sleep until the day of the event, I don't have to spend days worrying about it." Since sleeping all day, every day isn't really an option for me, I instead become very distracted. Nothing keeps my attention longer than a few minutes and I tend to be impulsive. Sometimes I don't realize this is happening until after the fact.

Tomorrow I will be meeting with my oncologist. Together we'll be coming up with my treatment plan that should start in the next week or so. Needless to say my anxiety level has been running very high. Most nights I've gone to bed early to read, the next thing I know my alarm is going off eight hours later. Occasionally I have a night where the anxiety wakes me up and my mind starts spinning with things that need to get done, only I can't do them in the middle of the night. The next morning I'm exhausted and can't get any of those things done!  I keep telling myself, "Just deal with it and move on." Only sometimes I don't know what, exactly, I'm dealing with. I get crabby with myself for being a weenie. God has never stepped away from me, and He certainly isn't going to now, so why the anxiety?

Today a t-shirt appeared in my path. I knew right away I needed it. I'm going to wear it tomorrow to meet with my doctor, to remind myself what I need to do.

2 comments:

Hevel Cohen said...

You are in my thoughts and prayers today!

Relle said...

Love the t-shirt Leah. I'm so glad you found one that's you and speaks to your heart. I'd love to have seen the dr's face/reaction to your tshirt. Praying that now you have chosen your plan of attack to get your stupid cancer gone, that you can feel some peace. If there is a specific part of the treamant that scares you the most, would you share it so we can especially pray hard about it as we lift you up to the God who loves and created you. I know He is in the details and loves to surprise and bless especially when we specific. Hugs