When the phone rings at midnight, it's never a good thing, so when my phone rang all kinds of horrible thoughts came rushing into my head. Is Mom ok? Dad? My sisters? Brother? Dean's family members? All in the few seconds it took for me to get to the phone.
I couldn't understand the voice on the other end of the line. I heard sobbing and "Mom?" squeezed out between the sobs, and thought it was T, which didn't make sense since T was downstairs AND I was just woken up from a sound sleep.
As I came to I realized it was N on the phone. He couldn't talk, he was crying so bad. Was he in jail? Was he hurt? Why was he crying like this? He squeezed out, "It's K..." (his girlfriend's name)
"What's wrong? Is she hurt? Are you hurt? Please, take a breath and tell me what's wrong. There...just breath in...and out....and in.... ok?"
Once he caught his breath he told me of the horrible way his girlfriend of 3 years broke up with him.
What do you DO? What do you SAY to your soon-to-be 21 year old son in this situation? I closed my eyes, and begged God to put the words in my mouth.
And I thanked God that N chose to call me...his mother....when he was at his lowest of lows. I rarely hear from N. Only when I call him. I get indirect messages from T, but other than than knowing where N is living, I'm in the dark. Every night I pray that God keeps him safe. That N knows he can come to me any time. Tonight he did, and I didn't know what to say.
There were lots of things I WANTED to say. Like, "Hello! She's only 18 and you've been with her for 3 years! She needs to see the world and so do you!" or the whole, "Be glad she ended it now BEFORE she got pregnant!" But none of those things would have been appropriate to say...now...while he's hurting.
N suffers from Major depression, and suffer he does. He must have said 20 times, "She's all I have. I gave her everything I could, but she's all I have. Without her, I have nothing. I AM nothing." Statements like that, while pretty normal for his age and the situation, scare me to death given his history. I told him I know how it feels to give someone your heart, only to have them stomp on it, and throw it back in your face. N has seen this happen to me, so he knows I know. I told him to remember that he can't control K's past. That the example she has lived with all her life, even though she swore she'd never be THAT kind of person, is exactly who she is right now. It's not completely her fault, because she is the product of her environment, but she did make a choice...and that's the direction she chose to go. I said lots more...trying desperately to grasp for anything I could think of. I tried not to say things that I would have hated for someone to say to me. I really suck at this kind of stuff! I spent an hour on the phone with him, wishing they'd given lessons about this stuff as part of the birthing classes we took. My friend would have a name for this class, something like, "The art of breaking up 101" or something like that.
I doubt N heard anything I said. But what he did hear is that his mother loves him. That no matter what happens, he can call me, anytime, day or night, and I'll do my best to help him. That mom's can't make the hurting stop sometimes, but they do have ears, and they can listen.
Tonight I'm praying that N heard me listening, and that when he cries himself to sleep tonight, he'll know his mom loves him.