Blogging about life in Minnesota, raising our six kids with Down syndrome while battling Breast Cancer.

Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor in the morning the devil says, "Oh shit! She's up!"

Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Sometimes it doesn't work Pt 3

There are lots of big secrets in the adoption community. The first is that adoption can be hard. Really hard. The easy part of the adoption is the adoption process itself. If you are in the middle of your first adoption process and kind of stressed out about it, be prepared. This is like early labor pains.

In my second post in this series I talked about another big secret: adoption dissolution.  It is a difficult concept for some people to understand. A few people commented on my Facebook wall that they used to be the people who were horrified that someone would dissolve their adoption, giving the child away to someone else. Then they themselves adopted a child who wasn't easy, and they now consider themselves enlightened.

Let me talk about the child for a bit, since he or she is at the center of it all. Let us never forget that no mater what, the child is always the victim in the case of adoption dissolution. The child, no matter how socially, emotionally or psychologically messed up, is nothing more than a product of the crap circumstances he or she was forced to endure. Chronic abuse, starvation, numerous rejections and neglect of all kinds before being adopted can and will do a number on a child's mind, body and spirit. Behaviors that are learned and ingrained in the child can destroy a family. The behaviors can fall into the category of "very annoying" and not harmful, or they can put the adopted child or other kids in the house at risk. The child cannot help it, and healing can take years, or decades. Sometimes... Sometimes healing never happens. Unfortunately there are some things about a child you cannot know until they are already in your home. Even-so It is up to the adoptive parent to assure the child's needs are met, no matter what. No matter what kind of behavior is displayed, no matter how much the child gets on your nerves, and even when that behavior puts other children in the house at risk. If the adoptive parent chooses to dissolve the adoption, it is parent's responsibility to know where that child is going and with whom. To make sure all legal processes are followed according to state rules and regulations.

So the family chooses to dissolve the adoption, how do they do it? It can happen many different ways, using county placement services, foster care, or private placement. I don't know which, if any, is more common. Personally I hear the most about private placement using a private agency or adoption attorney. Several states now have laws in effect that require Social Services to be involved in a situation where a child is placed with a non-relative. In many states homestudies and background checks must be done as with any adoption and ICPC regulations for each state must be followed.

There is one more secret I want to tell you about.

In the case of private placement, in an effort to protect the first adoptive family from judgement and ridicule, the second family often goes through the adoption process very quietly. There is no big announcement of "Meet our new child!", and any celebrating is done only with those close to the new family. And that, my friends is the purpose of my dragging you through three blog posts. Don't get me wrong, I don't like dissolution, but I understand there is a time and place for it. I also understand that every child deserves to be celebrated. Every parent, whether adoptive or biological, deserves the right to celebrate the addition of a new family member, which brings me to part 4. I promise, its the last one!

1 comment:

Tara said...

I so appreciate this series, Leah. Good stuff!