Blogging about life in Minnesota, raising our six kids with Down syndrome while battling Breast Cancer.

Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor in the morning the devil says, "Oh shit! She's up!"

Friday, November 14, 2014

Just a Bra

Today I am doing some much necessary cleaning; things that haven't been done in months but now that I'm feeling so much better its time to get them done. Besides, we're having people over tomorrow night so its a good motivator.

I can't believe the pile of clothes, shopping bags and just odds and ends of life that have accumulated in this corner of our bedroom. I started sorting everything into piles, getting distracted here and there by my finds.

And then I found the bra.

I haven't worn a bra in two months. Not only do I not have breasts, but even if I did, I couldn't wear a bra if I wanted. I have these rolls of extra skin and fat under my arms, left over skin that used to cover breast tissue and lymph nodes. In the breast cancer community these flaps of skin are referred to as "mud flaps". As my tissue expanders are filled some of that skin will be pulled forward, the rest will be removed at the time of my final surgery. They are very uncomfortable and awkward, and they make certain clothing, like bras, impossible for me to wear.

I never liked wearing a bra. In fact, I would buy clothes that allowed me to get away with not wearing one just so I could be more comfortable. But today, this bra, has brought me to tears for the first time in months. It is a symbol of how my life has changed since cancer.

On the outside I may seem like the old me, but on the inside…on the inside I am a very different person. I am battered and bruised. My mind and spirit are scarred. But, like a good make up artist, I can hide my scars from the rest of the world, for the most part living my life like I used to. But that one day that I stumble upon a bra I used to wear can bring me to sobbing tears in the middle of my bedroom floor.


Fatcat said...

I am very sorry. I know what it's like to carry around grief like that and pretend it's okay on the outside and keep on going for your kids. It's what moms do. Hopefully pretty soon all of those scars, inside and outside, will not be as painful.

Betsy said...

Dear Leah -- sending "warming hugs" to you, "4 hugs a day, makes a great day, 8 hugs a day, takes the blues away, and praying healing continues to get better every day --

eliz said...

(((HUGS))) I'm so sorry. You are in my prayers.