So you want to visit an orphanage...

Today someone sent me a link to this Huffington Post submission about Voluntourism. I'd like to talk about this a bit.

Several years ago - before I truly understood or had tangible experience with children who have attachment disorders - I had the opportunity to visit an institution in Serbia and share my love with some kids who were lacking in that department. I was so excited!!!! We traveled, we hugged kids, we showered them with affection, I fell in love with a couple. It was a very rewarding experience! FOR ME!

But what about those kids? Did they benefit from our exchanges?  They sure seemed to enjoy my affections. In fact, they LOVED our interactions. Most latched onto me with a death grip, refusing to let go. I remember four kids from one room fighting like mad for the prime spot in my lap. They WANTED my attention.

Now, lets look at this from a different perspective; that of a child raised in an institutional setting with numerous caregivers. I will use my Asher as the example child.

Here is what I wrote during Asher's adoption 2 1/2 years ago:

Asher stands in the middle of the room or lays on the floor, eyes cold and distant, unfocused, lost in his own world. His world, the one in the institution, has nothing for him so he has disconnected to find somewhere better in his mind. He doesn't rock like many of his roommates. Instead he stands frozen as if a statue. If he lays on the floor he is still. Silent. Sometimes he finds a thread from someone's clothes, or a stuffed animal that still has it's tag, and dangles it before his eyes, occasionally using his other hand to give it a twirl. This is Asher's day....every day....for every waking moment.
And then this woman the caregivers call "Mama" comes. Me. I appear in the door of his room. He has learned that my appearance means a change of environment. He runs to me with a half grin, his head turned away but watching where he's going out of the corner of his eye. He wraps his arms around my neck for a hug as I pick him up, then squirms to get down again, taking my hand to guide me down the hall to the playroom.
But don't be fooled by his eagerness! Asher isn't connecting to me yet. I am but a tool to get him out of that prison of monotony. He will gladly take the hand of any caregiver if it will get him the same thing. He's indiscriminate.

I was but a tool to Asher then. Every new caregiver who showed up to work was viewed the same, but at least they were the same faces every day. For the most part the same person got him up and out of bed in the morning, giving him breakfast and getting him dressed. Likewise, most of the time the same staff person put him to bed every night, bathing (hosing them down, really) getting pajamas on and throwing a blanket over each child. The staffing was consistent and usually predictable for him save for the occasional staffing shuffle that happened between rooms to cover when someone was out sick or on vacation. Children build trust when their lives and caregivers are predictable.

But what about the volunteers who came to visit the children?

Every year hundreds of volunteers from the US raise money and board planes, traveling to countries around the world to care for their orphans. They attend trainings to learn how to conduct themselves on the trip as well as things they might see and do while there. They're told this will be a life-changing experience. So rewarding. So fulfilling. Yes, it absolutely will be…for the volunteer.

They arrive at their target facility, eager to shower the wanting children with love and affection, sometimes including candy or trinkets to win the child's trust. "I'm safe. See? I bring you good things!" They spend a week or two helping with various tasks around the facility while intermittently interacting with the kids. On their blogs and social media websites they post pictures of their favorites. "Look at Lily! Isn't she sweet? She and I have really bonded this week. It's going to be so hard to say goodbye. I hope I can come back next year!"

And then they leave.

The very children who they formed "bonds" with are now left wondering, "Where did that good person go? Every day for a week he was here. I sat on his lap. Now he is gone. I will never trust another person again."

At some point the children are no longer able to form bonds with anyone, including the the families who come to adopt them. 

Asher has been home 2 1/2 years now. He is still 100% indiscriminate with his affections. He will walk away with an absolute stranger. He will climb into the laps of people he's never seen before and snuggle up just like a baby monkey.  Last night at our 4th of July celebration before we could blink he was in the lap of my friend whom he had never met, arms around her neck, emotionally looking like a newborn. We're exhausted from the constant correcting. And it IS constant!! We've had three incidents with strangers just in one trip to the grocery store today. Two and a half years and probably a lifetime ahead of us.

In Asher's life prior to having a family he learned that people come and go. It is not safe to attach to any one person. There will be a staff person or volunteer to come shower their affections, and when they leave another will appear.

 If you feel you must volunteer your talents to orphan children, please do so in tangible ways. Do you have a skill set that is needed? Being able to love children is not a skill set! Can you build something? Are you a doctor who can treat their medical needs? Are you an occupational therapist who can train facility staff without having to handle the children yourself? Do you have something REAL to offer? If not, if all you have is time and money, please spend it more appropriately. Don't use "We're going to visit an orphanage and play with the orphans!" as a way to see other parts of the world. Take that money and find out the material needs of the facility, satisfying those needs without interfering with the lives of children who don't need to meet you.