Have I mentioned that Angela does not do so well in stores? Ok, giving her the benefit of the doubt, I didn't pick the best time to take her shopping, as she was completely exhausted. While we were in the dressing room at Kohls she insisted on putting her shoes under the wall into the next booth. I explained that there was someone in there, "See the lady's feet? Lets keep the shoes AND MY PURSE in our booth, ok?" Yeah...that didn't work so great. Before I could grab her, both shoes had flown OVER the booths and landed 2 or 3 booths away. (I knew I should have put her in softball this summer.) Anyway, I made a split decision, piled all the stuff into a cart (5 or 6 pairs of pants and about as many shirts) paid for them and brought them home to try on in her own room. That was only slightly better, and of course NONE of the pants fit her and ALL have to go back. It's been a week, and I haven't gotten around to it yet, but I better do so soon! School starts in a few days and she has NO PANTS!
Angela's shoes are a whole different story! She was barefoot at the time of the acccident. Her dad had to make a list for the insurance company of items lost in the fire. He asked me, "How much were Angela's shoes?" HA!!! The "shoes" were $20 from Payless, it's the $800 orthodic inserts that were IN THEM that are going to be tough to replace!!! Here private insurace doesn't want to touch it. Afterall, they were only 3 weeks old! Here I was feeling proud of myself for getting all these medical things taken care of before school started and....litterally...POOF! They're gone! They had really been helping her too. She was finally able to walk more than a couple of blocks without her knees or hips bothering her, or being just plain exhausted.
Angela was supposed to come home on Sunday the 19th, then Monday the 20th go for a long-awaited eye doctor appointment, as her vision has deteriorated over the summer. I made the appointment back in June when she failed a "healthy athelete" check up at the special olympics state meet. Needless to say, she missed the appointment and now I'm trying to get her in somewhere else. Everyone is booked out a couple of months. I was just hoping to have her able to SEE when school started. Oh well.....
There were other things lost, like her portable dvd player that Andy and I send back and forth to keep us sane when on long trips with Angela. Her neuro-developmental ped was actually quite shocked to find out that Angela had actually been on a trip...in a semi...all the way to California! In several reports are phrases such as, "Angela's activity level is striking." LOL...I call that an understatement!
But these are all just things. They are a minor incovenience compared to what could have been.
Saturday morning I found Tosh's obituary, on the very day of his funeral. It was the first time I was able to put a face to the name, and the emotions I felt were indescribable. I wanted to ask him questions right then and there, but I wanted to ask God even more. I'll never have answers for those questions, but worse....neither will his family. My heart aches for what they are going through right now! I learned that like Dean and I, he's a biker. Since my house was empty that day I decided I was going to take a long ride alone. Since my ride was related to the crash (I was going out to my sisters 70 miles away to get the disk of crash pictures Angela's dad had dropped off there) I decided I was going to ride for Tosh. Even if it was in my own heart and nobody knew I was going to do it.
Someone asked me how I can forgive "someone like that" who tries to kill your kid? The answers are simple. 1) I don't think he meant to kill my kid, or her dad. He meant to kill himself and I don't think he though far enough ahead. All he thought of was the object...the truck...and not the fact there would be a real person driving it. I KNOW...in all certainty...had he known thee was a child in there he wouldn't have done it. I don't know much about Tosh, but I do know he had a love of children, particularly those with special needs.
But there is a #2 to my answer. God says I have to forgive him, and so I do. There have been times in the past where my mouth has said, "I forgive" but my heart doesn't feel it. I can tell you honestly, my heart feels 100% at peace in forgiving Tosh.
There are some who have criticized me, saying, 'You're being petty. Why all the emotion? Your kid is safe. Get over it already!"
I sure wish it were that simple. My daughter and her dad watched someone die. My daughter can only express to me her emotions through play. I have to pay close attention to decipher what she's trying to tell me. And then there is myself too. No, there are no physical scars, but believe me....the emotional scars are deep and to the bone. To look at the pictures of the accident is a feeling beyond explanation. I get the chills and break out in a cold sweat. My baby was in this vehicle! But more than that...SHE SURVIVED IT!!!!
The truck after it had been moved. Do you see the passenger seat, where Angela was sitting at the time of impact? Do you see how far it's moved? Tell me....how did my daughter walk away without any physical injuries? (click on pictures to view full size)
So although we're trying to move on, we'll be dealing with some of these things for a long time.
No comments:
Post a Comment