Sorrows, Praises and MIRACLES!

There are alot of people who've contacted me this past week who I would love to reply to, but blogger blocks out the email addresses. Late last night I received one email in particular that I feel I must respond to, but I think my response to one will really be for everyone.

To Kam Kam's Mom....(re: comments Sunday August 19th)

I am sobbing and in tears right now. With trembling hands I'm responding.

I have received emails (anonymously) from Tosh's extended family members, telling me "We don't get it...this wasn't HIM! He didn't DO things like this! Gave no indications!" I agree...it wasn't him, and I didn't even know him. Maybe someday, on my blog I'll write what I really believe happened in the spiritual world of good and evil on that night.

If I knew you well enough, I'd tell you all of what I, and the rest of my extended family believe. If you look at the pictures of the accident...and understand the timing and sequence of events of that evening, then you KNOW...beyond a shadow of a doubt...that it was only a miracle, angels and GOD that got my family out of that truck. At one point, after the fire was put out, my daughter's dad was taking pictures of the truck. A fireman told to get away because they needed to do a body recovery on that vehicle. When he discovered that Andy had been the driver...he was shocked...he said there was NO TIME for anyone to have gotten out of that truck, much less a man going BACK IN to get his daughter who was afraid to come out into the flames. Things happened too fast for anyone to get out. They were sure he'd burned up in the fire.

Please know I am so sorry for the hell Tosh's family is going through. There is some extended family member who has criticized something that I wrote (it's kind of hidden on the net) at a time when I was angry, scared and upset by what had happened. I understand that he/she is dealing with their own roller coaster emotions right now. I feel horrible for Tosh's family. They were the innocent ones left behind to sort out the why's, hows, what-if's of it all. It is the sad end that comes with suicide. Too many unanswered questions. Too many hearts that feel guilty about things they shouldn't. "I wish we hadn't argued." "If only we'd collected keys." "I wish I hadn't said...." But Tosh was determined that night. There would have been no stopping him.

My family is dealing with things from an entirely different perspective. It's 1:30 in the morning...last week I didn't get the call until 2:30 a.m. I haven't gone to bed before that time since the crash. I can't. I hardly sleep.

Angela has been putting out imaginary fires with her invisible friends. Yesterday she started patting my leg. I asked her why and she said, "putting out the fire." Here dad has told me where that came from, and I wish I'd never heard the explanation.

Tonight we went to a carnival, and as I put Angela on those giant swings I had to turn and look away. I wanted to throw up. I don't know how to describe what I was feeling. All I could think of was what if this ride collapsed? I'm too far away! Because of Angela's communication issues I can only guess what she saw/heard/felt at the time of the crash. If I pay close attention to her play I can put some of the pieces together. I hope and pray she didn't see the same things her dad did, but in reality I know there's no way she didn't. But tonight, on the way home from the carnival, she told me countless times to "Slow down mom. Take it easy." We were on area of freeway that's known to be a speed/dui tagging place, and there were alot of squads with cars pulled over. With every one that she saw, she said, "Nope. No fire. Nope." She had also just graduated to sitting in the front seat if she chooses. She now chooses not to. "Safe in the back" she says.

I've talked Angela's dad more in the last few days than I have since we divorced 6 years ago. There is no doubt he has PTSD. Her dad has disappeared now for awhile. He told me he was going to. I have prayed every night that this event will be a turning point in his life to realize he has a PURPOSE here, and that clearly he hasn't yet completed his task or he wouldn't be here. It's up to him to figure out what he needs to be doing with his life.

We lost some things that night. The material things are just that....THINGS. No matter how expensive, how necessary, they can be replaced. Andy's permanent address was his truck, so his home is gone. Angela's things...while some were very necessary, have already been replace for the most part. But we lost more, I don't know what it is. I can feel it but I can't label it. An innocence maybe? And inability to ignore areas in our life that we have been ignoring for too long?

I'm a "glass half full" kind of person, and I truly believe that night, as horrific as it was, was a gift to us onn levels that would be incomprehensible to most. Angela and her dad were given life. They were also given a future. I was given the opportunity to watch Angela continue to grow, and now it's up to me to make sure she develops the way God intended her to. Her job here isn't done. He told me when she was a tiny baby that she was here to teach. She has done that time and again with every single person involved in her life over the years, and she'll continue to do so. I can see that I'm not done learning.

I wanted to send flowers for Tosh's funeral, but couldn't find any information about it anywhere online. Believe me...my family calls me the super sleuth...and I couldn't find a thing. Just tonight I found the notice in the local paper. It's the first time I've been able to put a face to the event. Seeing Tosh's face......it left me with a stunned feeling. Please...tell them if I lived there I would be at that funeral, to give them each a hug and tell them I'm sorry for all they've lost. They will (some of them anyway) carry with them memories of that night that will haunt them. I will pray that God soften the edge of the unpleasant memories, and sharpen those that bring them happiness. I pray that he will soothe their hearts, and wrap himself around them in his comforting embrace.

~Leah Spring~