7 years! Asher

Happy Adoption Day (yesterday), Asher!!!! This post is copied from our adoption blog. Asher's birth parents are reading this post. We have been in contact with them for several years, and they are good people. They made a very difficult decision based on the social climate for people with disabilities where they live. Please be respectful.
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December 5th, 2011

Ivanna (pronounced Eevanah) the orphanage social worker. Asher is blurry because he wasn't really interested in posing. 

Ok, he'll hold still for this one. Ivanna was trying hard not to cry at this point. Just off camera are caregivers in tears. After this, Ivanna handed me a bag. There is one caregiver who has cared for Asher since the day he was born, and often takes him to the grocery store and other places with her. She said the bag was something for Asher from his caregiver, who did NOT come to work today because she could not stand to see Asher leave. Later when I opened the bag, I found a size 8 brand new outfit. Size 8...something he will wear next year. And brand new outfit; something I know was not easy for her to do.

Seven years ago, his guardian walked through these doors with a tiny baby. One of the least of these. I know a lot about his birth parents, and I know they were doing the only thing they could. The story is for Asher, and not one I'll share here, but I can tell you Asher WAS loved, and in fact his birth family was just here to visit him knowing that he would be leaving. I cannot imagine how difficult that was for them.

Driving to Kragujevac. Americans get a little freaked out about the lack of carseats here. Even when a family does have a carseat, it isn't used anywhere near the way it's supposed to be. LOL Here's Asher, sitting on my lap facing me to watch out the window.

Signing the adoption decree!!!

The actual ceremony. I'm going to tell you what was said, not to pat ourselves on the back, but so you can see how these adoptions touch everyone. (and I look horrible in the pictures because I'm crying!)

This was toward the end of the ceremony, when we all stood up for the formal part. Susanna the psychologist was talking, saying just three months ago they received Axel's update and were so thrilled to see how wonderful he's doing and the opportunities he has. To see that he has the medical care nobody even knew he needed (I included pictures of Axel in the halo and explained what had happened.) Then when they received our request for Asher they were so excited to know the family he would be going to, and to be able to tell the birth family just what kind of life Asher would have. They thanked me for coming back to Kragujevac to give a family to one of their children.

 Then she said something funny: In our paperwork for Axel and again for Asher I explained how many times adoption has touched my immediate family, and that my sister had 9 children, four of them adopted. They wondered how much more space WE have in OUR house, and if they will get to see us again next year. LOL

The head minister did not participate in our ceremony with Axel because he was out of town, but he lead this ceremony and was very glad to be part of it.

This is Susanna, talking about how our family has taught them all a lot about love and acceptance, and that by seeing the updates on Axel they have a new understanding of the importance of family for these children, and the progress that can be made when a child is raised in a loving environment. They hope all their children can be so lucky to find their way to a family like ours.

Certificate of Serbian citizenship, and his new birth certificate listing him as Lazar SPRING, with me as his mother!

"Uncle Zoran". Zoran is a COCI staff member who is nothing less than a Godsend to adoptive parents! He is translator, driver, and playmate for the children when you need your hands free. You will get more Serbian history from Zoran than you will anywhere else.

 After a VERY long day we drove home in Zoran's car...in a CAR SEAT! (with a lap belt. LOL) But Asher was comfortable and fell asleep holding my iPhone to his ear.

Today you are 30

The second day of December, 1988.

 I had a 14 month old toddler, Noah, and was massively pregnant with my second baby. I knew he was a boy, and this day was his due date. There was SO much to do! Christmas would soon be here, I just knew if we didn't get the Christmas tree up, it likely wouldn't happen once this new baby came. After dinner my (then) husband and I took little Noah to the local tree lot, where we found a cute little tree for our tiny living room, that we could also afford. Times were lean for this young family!

We brought the tree home and stood it in the living room to "rest", and let the branches drop.   I put Noah to bed, then stood looking at the tree. My husband was supposed to get the Christmas boxes out of the attic, but his day had started at 4:00 am and he now sat on the couch, sound asleep. I took a deep breath and hauled my giant belly up the stairs and opened the door to the attic crawl space, got on my hands and knees, peering inside. It was going to be tough for me to get all these dang boxes out, but I was (and still am) a very determined woman. One by one I pulled out a box, carried it downstairs to the living room, then hauled myself back up the stairs for another. I got the tree into the stand, crawling underneath to secure all the screws into the trunk, trying to work around my belly. I found a couple strands of lights that still worked and wrapped them around the tree. We didn't have a lot of ornaments yet, and it was only Noah's second Christmas so I made sure his two ornaments, and a new one for the baby, were prominently hung on the front of the tree. I couldn't wait to see Noah's face in the morning when he saw the tree!

I quickly put up the other household decorations. When I was done I looked at the now empty boxes, knowing they needed to get back up the stairs. Afraid to sit down for fear I wouldn't be able to get back off the couch, I picked up a box and started to climb the stairs once again.

Finally, after what seemed like many hours, I sat down on the couch next to my sleeping husband to admire the tree. I realized my back was hurting just a little bit, and figured it was due to all the boxes I had just carried. I woke my husband and prodded him to bed so he would get a decent night sleep. I looked at the clock...midnight...No wonder I was exhausted!!

At 5:30 a.m. I was woken by a massive contraction. I reached over to my husband's side of the bed and realized he was already gone for work. I got up to use the bathroom and had another contraction, stronger than the first. I peeked at Noah. I found he was still sleeping, so I laid down on the couch to rest but instead had another strong contraction. They were already two minutes apart! With my first baby, my water had broken with a gush sitting at the table of an extended family member. I went  to the phone and called my husband's work. "Please tell K. to come home. NOW! We need to go NOW!" Thankfully his place of work was very close to our house, so he arrived in minutes. By the time he got there I had Noah up, diapered, and stuffed in his snowsuit to go to grandma's house. While K. was loading Noah I called my mom to tell her the baby was on the way, all the while making frequent stops for contractions I couldn't talk through. While talking to my mom I looked out the window to see if K. was having any trouble getting Noah into the car (you know how men and infant car seats can be!) and the car was GONE! "Ummm mom? He left without me."

Yes, he had left to bring Noah to his parent's house while I sat and waited for him. They were also closely thankfully! When he returned he was moving at lightning speed through the house while I was moving in slow motion, just trying to get my shoes on.

When we finally arrived at the hospital my contractions were very close together, and as soon as I was in a bed my water broke.

On December 3rd, 1988 at 7:42 a.m. Tyler was placed into my arms for the very first time.

Tyler, today you are

!!!!30!!!!

You came into this world like a little tornado, and it's pretty much how you've lived your life. An adrenaline junkie through and through! You made me a mom for the second time. You made Noah a brother. You added to the long line of grandkids and great grandkids! I pray that 2019 is kind to you. That you are blessed beyond measure and life treats you kind!

Grade 3

I love you!
Mom

Preschool, age 3

Grade 5

Bryon 7, Noah 9, Robbie 10, Tyler 8, Angela 6 mo

Grade 4

Grade 6

She told me it was urgent!

What malnourishment looks like: Recovery

I was looking through old videos today, and found this one of Asher. I had forgotten what terrible condition he was in when he came home! Just a couple weeks short of one year home. His belly is still giant and bloated. Because his hands and feet continued to grow but his body had slowed, they look too big for his body. When he came home he was seven years old and 36 lbs. By the time this video was taken, 11 months later, he had gained 8 lbs and 2 1/2 inches in height. It takes a long time for a small boy to recover from malnutrition. It would be another 6+ months before Asher was no longer looking like a toddler.

But OH! This boy was SO HAPPY to be here!!! Look at the PURE JOY on his face as he discovers something as simple as making noise, and just being A BOY!

How did we get here: Asher's adoption process

Here is a link to my old adoption blog, and all the posts related to Asher's adoption process. I can't believe we are coming up on seven years home! This marks the day Asher has officially been our son longer than he was an orphan. He is the first of our kids to reach this milestone! If you'd like to read about Asher's adoption process, CLICK HERE, and scroll back to November 2nd, 2011. 

How did they get here? Axel's adoption

If you are new here, and you would like some reading material, here is a link to all the old blog posts related to Axel's adoption process. His was our first adoption, and quite a learning experience! I can't believe he's coming up on eight years home. The time has flown by! At the time I had four adult kids: Rob, Noah, Tyler and Bryon, and Dean had one adult son, Aaron. Angela was the only one left at home and she was 15. She did NOT like being an only child and she was SO excited to have a new brother join her! They have been best buds ever since! We're very lucky, because it doesn't always work out that way.

Anyway, if you would like to read about Axel's adoption process CLICK HERE to his posts, and go back to November 23, 2010

Let's go back in time

December is anniversary month for two of our kids: Axel came home December 2010, and Asher came home December 2011. Next came Abel in April 2013, and Audrey in 2014. Then we took a break for a few months to deal with the ugly monster called Cancer. Amos joined us March 2015, and Roman in January 2017. It has been a very busy eight years!!!!!

Tomorrow (December 1st) is when I met Axel for the SECOND time. I had met him months before, but under different circumstances, and at the time I had no intention of adopting. Once the adoption process was started, Axel is who we chose and the preparations began in August 2010. Here is a blog post I wrote as I prepared to travel to Kragujevac, Serbia to bring him home.
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November 23rd, 2010

The last few weeks have been busy. All the paperwork and running around that is done to bring a child home is exhausting and frustrating. Sometimes it seems as if there is no way you will ever make it to the end. In reality you know there are thousands of families who have gone before you, and they have made it to the end, so you just keep plugging along, getting it done as fast as you can. The faster it's done, the faster your child comes home.

But towards the end of the process, just when you think you are spent, you start to get a little taste of the fun. As the fact that you're adopting becomes more real, and you can almost see the light at the end of the tunnel, you allow yourself small pleasures. Those small pleasures are all about gathering the actual items that you know in just a few weeks your child's hands will be touching.

Painting your child's room is one of those things that will keep you going.

Everyone in the family gets excited and wants to help. They gather where they can keep an eye on the action.

Picking out the paint color and bedding is another step. As you put each sheet on the bed, and lay out the blanket, you picture your new child there, sleeping securely in the room closest to yours. You wonder if he will want you to lay with him those first few nights as he learns the noises of his new home.

Some things you decide to leave until your child is home, knowing it will be one of the first times he'll be allowed to express his opinion, and that his opinion has value. 

And of course, buying the clothes he will wear is one very important step; clothes that are like wrapping him with a hug. You touch each item and find yourself praying over each them, that they'll find him healthy and happy each time he puts it on. You pray over his shoes that will walk the streets of his birth country for the very last time. You pray over the winter coat that will protect him from the bitter cold, and hope that you can protect him from some of life's bitterness.

Finally, the day arrives when it is time to pack up the items you've gathered, and try to pack your fears away as well, shifting your focus to the days ahead. In a matter of days, you will travel to the other side of the world for him, to touch him, to hold him again, to see his smile and hear his laughter.

You try to sleep those last few nights. Knowing when you leave your bed on the day of your departure, your life will be forever changed. You stop in his room one last time and say a prayer for the days ahead.

Welcome New Readers!

Wow!!! If you are new here today, you probably found us via the video done by Chris Ulmer from Special Books By Special Kids. Thank you so much for coming to read about us! I guess it's time for me to get this blog moving again. You'll see that I've said that many times over the last couple of years. Needless to say, we are a very busy family and it is difficult for me to find time to write. But, I will try my best! For those long-time readers who are looking for an update on the kids, here you go!!!!! Also, don't forget there will be a documentary set to release in June 2019!

Down Syndrome Awareness Month: Update on the adult child

It is a sad fact that I can't follow through with anything. It is amazing to me (and to Dean!) that we

have completed any adoptions because they each require a ton of paperwork and a process that must be followed in a timely manner. I guess, for a time, God had me focused more than I'm able to right now. I still intend to do the breast cancer photos, and have actually spoken with a photographer about doing a specific photo shoot. Now to carve out some time!

In the meantime, it is also Down syndrome awareness month. We have had SO much going on here lately, I thought I'd give you a little update on Angela and all that she's been up to.

A year ago Angela entered a career exploration program with a local agency called Lifeworks. They had a pilot program going called "Small Group" at different locations throughout the metro area. Angela was in a group that was based out of the St. Paul skyway system. The very first day was difficult, though probably more for me and her staff than for her. It started with Metro Mobility dropping her off way too early, so there was no staff to meet her. But when she entered at a building she saw a huge escalator that she remembered from the one visit we made months before. She went up the escalator and found the coffee shop where we had met during that visit. She remembered I told her the job coach's number was in her phone, so Angela called her. All was good, and the job coach met her right away. The next day Angela got very lost, as in 6 blocks away (but still within the skyway system.) She found herself in the Federal Courthouse, found a security guard and told him she was lost. She was quickly reunited with her group. Of course, it was the first time they had lost anyone. Leave it to my kid. UGH!  Within a couple months of starting the program Angela was navigating her way around the whole skyway system independently, and was now acting as the leader when new coworkers started the program. This is something that is difficult for most adults! She was even able to exit the skyway, then take a city bus to a specific location, and sometimes took a couple co-workers with her. She did this successfully, and without knowing she was being shadowed by an employee who was not known to her. ;-)

In July it was time for Angela to find a job but we needed to get her through a major surgery first so opted to wait until the end of September to start interviewing.  She went on a couple of interviews but I didn't really think they were jobs that would actually pan out for her. Then her job coach took her to an interview at McDonalds. I was a little disappointed because I didn't want Angela working in the fast food industry. She is a bit food obsessed and I could just imagine her packing on the pounds! The interview went very well, and the store manager really liked Angela and her enthusiasm! She offered Angela 25 hours a week to start. I was very surprised. A lot of adults in our Down syndrome community are only given a couple of hours every day, some only a couple of hours per week. For many that is all they're able to work and stay on task. I wondered if this was really a good match for Angela, and maybe the bar was set a bit too high? I convinced everyone that 20 hrs a week to start would be better. She is paid minimum wage of $10.25/hr, and after 6 weeks will get a raise, then again at 6 months. This is pretty good for her first job, and on par with what others are getting paid for their first job.

Angela started her job with a job coach going along for the entire shift. The job coach showed Angela each task on her list. After the first day it was evident Angela could handle additional responsibilities, so they added to her list. They only needed to show her a new task once, sometimes twice, and Angela was able to complete them without assistance or reminders. Everyone has been saying how fantastic she's doing and all I can think is, "This is the same person who won't put her laundry away without lots of nagging from me!" At the end of every shift Angela is given $7 in McDonalds credit to buy a meal. The first day she came home with a lot of food. She and I came to an agreement that on Monday I will text her what she can order for the week, so now she's getting lower calorie items. She seems happy with this agreement, and it fits well with her desire to know everything ahead of time, at all times. HA!

Friday last week was the first day she was on her own, without a job coach. Dean and I couldn't resist, so we had lunch at McDonalds.  Angela was working in back when we arrived, but while we were eating she came out front.  That stinker completely ignored! She acted like she didn't see us! When she went in back we heard her announce, "My mom and dad are here!" When she came back out front, she continued to ignore us. LOL The good thing is she stayed on task, doing her job. She collects the trays, washes them, and gets them ready to be used again by putting the paper placemat thingy on, then stacking them behind the counter. She cleans all the tables and the condiment area, makes sure the beverage area is stocked with cups, lids and straws, and that all flat surfaces are cleaned off, straightens all the chairs and tables, empties the trash bins and places new bags, carrying the full bags out to the dumpster. Whenever someone comes in the door Angela greets them like royalty, with a sweep of her arm and, "Welcome to McDonalds Sir/Madam!" She says hello to the little kids, stooping to their level,  and elderly customers as well. Yesterday when I picked her up I asked the manager how things are going. She replied, "Oh my gosh! She makes our customers so happy! She even got a tip today! Everyone adores her." (Who gets a tip at McDonalds???)  The manager told Angela, "When you're done there you can go ahead and clock out." but Angela kept working another 30 minutes because she was enjoying her job.

I cannot begin to tell you how proud I am of Angela. The past year she has matured SO much, it is hard to believe she is the same person. Now she can work on that apartment she's been wanting. She's been on a waiting list for a roommate, and we hope it happens soon so she can fledge from the nest, just like all her older siblings did!

Breast Cancer Awareness 2018

It's been four and a half years since I was diagnosed with breast cancer. It seems like forever ago, and yet it seems like yesterday, all at the same time. Life is good!!! I am approaching the 5 year mark - a very important milestone in the life of a breast cancer patient! At 5 years, I can get life insurance!!! Well, that and statistically one's risk of recurrence decreases significantly.

So far I am still NED = No Evidence of Disease. You see, with breast cancer, there is no such thing as "cancer free", because it takes only ONCE undetectable cell to cross the lymph system, to spread through your body. Instead we are labeled "NED", because there is no detectable cancer found. Last spring I was all freaked out and convinced I had developed lymphoma as a result of chemo. My Oncologist ordered a PET scan, and all was well. That scan made me feel SO much better, knowing there was nothing hiding anywhere. At least nothing any scan could pick up.

So here I am.

I want to go back a bit, and share some things about cancer that I never did before. I don't know if the average person understands how devastating breast cancer can be. This year, after much thought and prayer, I have finally decided to share pictures. Not just pictures of my smiling self, but pictures of the effects of surgery. Yes, I'm going to show you pictures of my breasts, both my old and my new. I don't even remember my old breasts anymore. I don't remember how they felt in my hands or on my body. My new ones don't feel like real breasts. I can feel the implants inside them, and they cause me a few (minor) problems here and there, which I like to make jokes about.

If you are here for the first time, THIS LINK will take you to the post I wrote about the day I was diagnosed. So far in my 51 years, that was the darkest day of my life.

Moving On

Sometimes I don't have time to write.

Who am I kidding? I am really busy, and rarely have time to write anymore. Sometimes it's just easier, and faster, to talk. We've been getting ready for some big changes here in the Garden of Eagan.   Today I'm talking about some of them.

Prom 2018

I can’t believe that little boy we brought home just a few years ago is now old enough to attend his high school Prom! He went with is good friend Corinne. They had a great time, even in the sweltering heat! 

Transitions

We're in a new phase of life here, in the Ellingson/Spring household.

Angela will be 22 next month. Her older brothers were all long moved out by this age, and she has older friends in their mid 20's who have moved out into supported living situations. Angela is eager to join their ranks. Angela has been in a career development program since November, and we have been telling her that she has to finish that program before we can talk about her moving out. That seemed forever away. And yet, it is coming up in just a couple of months!

I'm so proud of Angela! She has come a long way the last two years. She continues to learn skills and improve on old ones. She takes disability transportation to her program every day. She calls me to check in at key times. She knows what she wants most of the time and is learning to advocate for herself to get it. (well, that may include taking a bottle of pop from a store when she doesn't have money to pay for it, because...well...she wanted it.)

Moving an adult who has a disability into supported housing is a long process. Thankfully some of the things - like funding sources - are already in place. Still, we need meet with agencies to find one that offers the level of supports Angela needs, in addition to having staff we are comfortable working with.  Once we find the right fit, Angela will be placed on a waiting list. We're told the average wait in our area is 6-9 months.

In Minnesota, because of the Olmstead Act, there are lots of different housing options for people who have cognitive disabilities. The level of supervision needed can be provided in a variety of settings. For those who are most independent, there are apartments and townhouses with staff just doing "check ins" and providing transportation. For those who need more support there are apartments where the level of supervision is very customizable, provided the individual can spend some time unsupervised. Electronic services have come a long way, and staff can be notified if a client isn't in bed by a certain time, or hasn't taken medications by a specific time, etc. For those who need 24 hour supervision there are group homes. In our area there are social activities galore, and an adult like Angela should have a very rich social life. I think that is the part Angela is most excited about, to do her own things without Mom tagging along or doing the driving!

How about the mom and dad? How are we handling this phase? Dean says he is not ready to see his little girl move out, but that he never will be. I think I'm doing ok, and I will continue to be fine with it all. Until moving day comes. That day I will just want to tuck my girl under my wings and keep her in the nest. 

When the Mom Sleeps - Narcolepsy

Disclosure/awareness post. If you don't like this kind of post, move along.

Narcolepsy.

I wrote about Narcolepsy and how I was diagnosed back in 2007.

Narcolepsy can make functioning, and getting things done, really tough sometimes. Oh, I get things done. That is, as long as I don't stop moving. If I stop moving, or sit down during the day, all bets are off. It is the reason I stand most of the day. Very rarely do I actually sit down. If I do, I will be drowsy, unable to carry a conversation, and if I'm not actively involved in a conversation, I'll fall asleep in a few seconds. 

But being AWAKE makes a huge difference in my ability to stay focused. Twenty years ago when I wad diagnosed with Narcolepsy, the stimulant Ritalin was the only drug available. I was miserable on it. It caused me to have chronic headaches and dizziness. I was awake, but my mind felt scattered and unorganized. It was certainly not ideal.

About the same time, the drug Provigil was nearing FDA approval. My sleep specialist told me, "Just wait! Your life is going to change dramatically with this drug!" He wasn't kidding. The first time I took it, I got SO much done in my house! I thought "This is what it feels like to be awake? Wow! I like being awake!" Because I'm hypersensitive to a variety of meds, one of the problems Provigil caused me was, oddly, an inability to sleep! I found that I could take just 1/4 - 1/2 dose and I could stay awake during the day but I would still have a little trouble sleeping at night. Because of that I resorted to only taking it when was going to be doing a lot of driving, or driving long distances. (for me, 15 minutes is a long drive and I will get very drowsy.) or when I'm going to have a particularly long day.

Then two years ago I was diagnosed with severe obstructive sleep apnea and started sleeping with a c-pap machine. Between a weight loss of 85 lbs, getting back to running, and improved sleep with my c-pap machine, I didn't feel like I needed the Provigil anymore. But winter in Minnesota, and lack of sunshine, is really hard on me. I take 5,000 iu of Vitamin D daily during the winter (dropping to 3,000 during the summer) along with several other vitamin supplements. Lately I've had so much to do, but all I can think about is napping. Our morning "get the kids out the door" routine involves two shifts of kids, and me taking an hour nap between those shifts. When the last of the kids are out the door, I often find myself headed back to my pillow and blankets. I might sleep for a couple of hours then get up, run some errands, then come home for another 60-90 minute nap before the kids come home! Considering I sleep a minimum of 7 hours at night (more typically 8-9), thats an average of 12-13 hours of sleep.

I'll admit, I can be slow to recognize a pattern.

Last week my kids were passing around a nasty cold. Behind some bottles of kid cold medicine, I found my last bottle of Provigil on the shelf. Hmmm I wonder.... I looked in the bottle and there were several doses. I took my usual dose. 

I got more done that day than in the entire week prior.

Being awake, and having ambition to get things done, is really an amazing feeling. I'm always stunned that "normal" people, those who don't have Narcolepsy, feel this awake most of the time. Within 30 minutes of taking my medication I feel a light switch turn on. The synapses in my brain start snappin. Zip! Zip! Zip!!!!! My mind starts picturing all the things I want to get done that day. And, my favorite part, ideas form! Poor Dean. He hates that part because it usually means I start a list of projects that require his help. Don't think the kids are left out, because I usually come up with some new ideas for them too, and yes, they are often met with eye-rolls. "Oh GOD! Mom is awake again!"

Life as a mom who has Narcolepsy is interesting, but it is SO GOOD to be awake!

Four Years

A lot can happen in four years, and that has certainly been the case in our family! March 2014 was a big month for us! Some of it I don't care to remember, but other parts I never want to forget!

The first thing that happened was this! Meeting Audrey for the very first time. Oh this child!
This picture, taken in Belgrade, Serbia, was the day after I was given custody of her. She was 9 years old, and about 18 lbs.

On March 14, 2014, Audrey became our daughter. 

But really? We had no idea the impact Audrey had already made on our lives. We had no idea how she would keep me going on the days I just wanted to stay curled up in a fetal position. Our shift was just beginning to happen.

These are some pictures I've taken over the last few months. I can't believe she is 13!

Audrey has grown A LOT! She's finally wearing "tween" clothes (wearing size 10 in most clothes). But, with all that growth, she hasn't changed much. She understands English fully now, so she can follow many directions. She continues to be 100% non-verbal, and uses only a handful of ASL signs to get her wants and needs met. Audrey lives for music! She will drop everything if she hears even a single note. Although she has been in school 3 years now, Audrey does not know colors, numbers, shapes or letters. Well, at least we *think* she doesn't. Everything is on Audrey's terms, so maybe one day she'll show us that she really does know all these things but just didn't want to disclose that information! We do continue to have concerns about Audrey's lack of learning, and several doctors have suggested she has more than just Down syndrome, so we will soon be meeting with a geneticist to have some additional testing done.

We cannot imagine our lives without Audrey in it. She brings with her something so special. Her eyes speak volumes when her voice does not. We will continue to help find her voice, however that may be!
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Just. Move. On.

March 24, 2014.

Four years ago.

It's right around the corner, but I cannot wait.

On March 24, 2014  I posted the worst blog post I have ever written.

I would spend the next year going through four surgeries, chemotherapy, potty training the newly adopted child, feeding therapy with the same child, and learning to navigate the world of Oncology with my family.

In 2015 the surgeries continued, and in fact I just had my 16th surgery, my last reconstructive surgery in October 2017! Someday I will be brave enough to post the pictures, because I feel they are important to share. Just...not yet.

The last few weeks I have felt very tired and run down. Going back through my blog I know what it is now. It's a combination of very long Minnesota winters and Cancerversary sluggishness. For anyone who thinks people can go through cancer and "just move on", it doesn't work that way. My body knows its an anniversary. I had to look back in my blog to see what was wrong with me! Just like our adopted children go through odd behavioral phases during their adoption month, so too do I go through a bit of yuck. The body remembers trauma. Being told you have cancer is certainly traumatic. Today I just wanted to sleep the day away. And tomorrow too. And maybe the next day. Only I can't do that, because I'm MOM to a lot of people, and I thank God for them every single day, because each one keeps me going!

I make goals for myself! I probably drive Dean a little bit crazy with some of my bucket list items that he finds around the house. For example, I was going to teach myself to play guitar. I bought a guitar, and a book, and some wonky thing to attach to the guitar. Oh, it lasted about 5 minutes before I realized this was beyond me, thanks to chemo brain!...Just move on....Just move on...

So I would learn to DANCE! Yes, I've always wanted to learn Hip Hop.  I joined a class. The first class the instructor told me I have a good sense of rhythm, and he talked me up saying, "I can't believe you never danced before." (He's such a salesman!) On the third class he added the music to the steps. HA! I can dance, just not to music. Who knew? Thanks again, chemo brain. I never went back to class. ....Just move on....Just move on....

 Before we moved to the new house I bought all the stuff to become an artist. I have done some water color years ago (YEARS!) but this time I decided to try acrylics. I bought a big easel, canvases of various sizes, an assortment of brushes, and all the other things one needs to be an artist. I have yet to pick up a brush. (I had a good reason though, and maybe now I finally can get around to it?) I have yet to pick up my polymer clays again. They sit in my closet, drying out. My mind wants to try new things, and keep moving FORWARD, away from that day in 2014 when I heard the words, "You have cancer." Because "just move on" is whispered in conversations, said gently by people who don't know  how it feels. Said to myself, because why can't I "just move on"?

You see, I can't just move on. How do we, cancer patients, "just move on"? Next month I have a scheduled check up with my oncologist. It already brings anxiety. "What if I'm tired because I have cancer again?" Last week I took Dean to an appointment that is located in the same building as my oncologist. Just parking in that lot caused my chest to tighten and my stomach to turn in knots. I started sweating and my heart raced. I wasn't even going to THAT clinic! It angers me that I was so affected by the parking lot. ....Just move on....Just move on...

This check up will be like all the others: Visit with the doctor, then blood work to check for cancer markers... Just move on.... Just move on.... Well, for a long time I only had to go every three months, but then I was bumped up to 6 months between visits. While I was really excited to be at that point, somewhere inside me screamed, "Six months? That is a long time between blood tests! What if something happens between now and then?"...Just move on...Just move on....It doesn't help that at my last visit my doctor wanted me to meet with someone to discuss my treatment plan should I develop cancer again. I won't lie. I was really angered by that. I did schedule the appointment but ultimately didn't go. I felt like they were willing me to get cancer again! Or maybe they knew something about my cancer, like that I'm GOING to have a recurrence, it's just a matter of when. Paranoia much? No Leah, "Just move on"!

Yes, dear readers, all of that goes through the mind of a cancer survivor. Most days I can just shove it back, ignoring the whispers of my subconscious mind and go about my day. But there are days when I'm hiding it from the world, but I can't hide it from myself. It's impossible to hide it, really. Every morning when I step out of the shower, the scars are reflected back to me in the mirror. So many scars! Each one a memory of another surgery. Another scare. Another day of stress to my family. Another near miss. Reminder, after reminder, after reminder. Just. Move. On.

So here we are

It's March 2018 already. I haven't finished updating from 2017 and 2018 is slipping away fast. There are life events I want to tell you about, but I keep thinking "I'll finish catching up first, then I'll do it!" Only, that never really happens. There are a lot of new readers here, and return readers who want to know what's happening with us! I think I'll just do some regular posts and sneak the other updates in when I have time. And so...here I go!