Communication

It's hard to believe that one year ago we brought home a little boy who had no way to communicate, whether that be in Serbian or English.

Just as I did with Axel, I started signing with Asher immediately. He learned "more" ages ago, quickly followed by "eat". He could sign "bed" and "potty", "shoes" and "socks. Over the course of his first 9-10 months home he acquired a vocabulary of around 100 signs. Unfortunately he wouldn't initiate most of these signs, instead using them only when he heard us say the word or saw us signing them. "Asher, where's your shoes?" and he would sign "shoes", etc.

And then school started. Asher was able to see that kids TALK. And they ask for things and, more importantly, they get the things they ask for! He's spent the first three months of school watching  natural communication happen.

About a month ago it suddenly clicked for Asher. He started trying it out, this communication thing. One morning he went to the pantry, took out a box of cereal and brought it to me, signing "eat" as he placed it in my hands. "Oh are you hungry Asher? Lets go eat!" He laughed out loud, humored by the fact his tactic worked! WOW!!! A week or so later he started requesting drinks. He is now the most thirsty little boy I've ever met, asking for drinks about every 30 minutes, because he can and because we'll respond. He is learning he has some control over his environment.

I have always brought Asher to the bathroom about every 2 hours and he has stayed reliably clean and dry....except on the weekends. On the weekends we have no routine and there have been a lot of potty accidents! I always bring him first thing in the morning, again before he leaves for school, then school brings him every couple of hours. When he comes home he goes potty and every 2 hours until bed time.

About a week ago Asher came home from school, hung up his jacket, put is backpack away, then I got distracted. He came and stared at me. Just standing there, staring. Finally he started slowly walking backward down the hall. I recognize this; it's the walk he does when he doesn't want to be seen. As in , "You can't see me because I'm walking backward." He does it when you've told him "no" about something, or when he's not sure he's allowed to do something on his own. On this day he wasn't sure he was allowed to go to the bathroom on his own. I pretended not to see, watching him out of the corner of my eye. He walked backward all the way down the hall, into the bathroom and to the toilet. Finally I heard him flush the toilet (he flushes BEFORE he pees, silly boy!) then open the toilet and do his thing. I stood at the bathroom door, "Asher! What a big boy! YAY! You went potty by yourself!" I haven't brought him potty since then! But, because he's so small, he isn't able to get up on the toilet by himself in order to poop so at the usual pooping times I was bringing him. That was until Friday when I heard a commotion in the bathroom. I walked into to find him trying to get his potty seat up onto the toilet by himself. YAY!!!!!! He isn't quite able to do it himself, but he's at least attempting. Then yesterday we had another first. He came up to me out of the blue and signed "potty". I told him to go ahead and go, which he did. Five minutes later he came back, signing "potty" again. "Honey, you just went potty." Oh but wait....."Do you need your potty seat? Lets go get it!" Again he laughed as he realized he got his point across.

Tonight I was making a video of Axel reading his sight words. When we were done Asher sat in the same spot and signed his version of "Me!" He made it clear he wanted his turn! I turned on the camera and asked him to sign whatever words I could think of, (his vocabulary is now somewhere around 250-300 signs) but his attention span is short so we only did a few. Also, while he was sitting there next to the heat duct, the furnace kicked in. Anyone who knows Asher knows he is fascinated with airflow, motors and vibration. It was hard to keep his attention with the furnace running. LOL

The Visits

This is a continuation of my story about meeting Asher.

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Twice a day, two hours each visit, every day until he is legally mine. That is how the visits will go.

This is the exhausting part of the in-country process. Many refer to it as the "Groundhog Day" effect. Every day is like the one before it and the next will be the same as well until they begin to run together and you start to forget what day it is.

The visits themselves are monotonous. Trying to think of activities that will encourage bonding yet pass the time quickly, all while trapped in a small room. Luckily the Zvescanska orphanage has a playground with lots of toys!

It is late November in Belgrade. I've been lucky enough to hit mild weather. Although it's pretty damp and drizzly much of the time I try to get us outside every day.

On this first day I bring yogurt. I can see that Lazar is hungry and thin, and food is a great way to encourage bonding. Unfortunately I was met with some resistance from staff.

Rather than my re-writing history, I invite you to read my adoption blog posts from November and December of last year. Please do take the time to read. "Finding" Asher was really difficult but so incredibly rewarding! Those first flashes of eye contact, the first smile he blessed me with, all of it so very much worth the wait!

A boy named Lazar

One year ago today, I sat down at a table in Belgrade, Serbia. Around the table were staff from the Serbian MLSP as well as the social center in Kragujevac, Serbia. Though it was only 3:00 a.m. at home in Minnesota, I knew that Dean wasn't sleeping. How could he when I was on the other side of the world getting ready to meet our new son!

We were here to discuss the social and medical history of a 7 year old little boy named Lazar. Like Angela and Axel he has Down syndrome. I listened to all of the information,  trying to remember all of the details to tell Dean later, all while wanting to just say, "Lets go already! Lets go meet him!"

Eventually the meeting ended and it was time. Time to go meet my son! When comparing an adoption to pregnancy, these were the very last pushes before I would meet the baby.

We got in a car and made the short drive to the orphanage.

We pulled up to the guard shack. "Dobar dan" I said as I presented my passport. The same woman working who had been here a year before. "Hvala" I said as she waved me away.

We walked through the doors, up the steps and all 5 of us stepped into the death trap elevator meant for two. 

The orphanage social worker met us on the 2nd floor. She quickly introduced herself as we were shuffled a few feet down the narrow hall. And there, before us, was a group of tiny little children eating lunch at a table in the hall. Oh, how I wish I had pictures of this, so you could see how tiny these children were. They were all between the ages of 7-11, but none were bigger than a typical 3 year old.  One little boy had his back to us, intent on his food and not noticing the crowd of people who had appeared behind him. The social worker touched his shoulder. "This is Lazar."

I knelt down beside him so he could see me. So very tiny. How could this boy be 7 years old? He was shoveling his food as fast as he could, his body language saying he was afraid I would take it from him. He made no eye contact with me, his eyes never leaving his plate.

I swallowed hard.

It was so hard not to cry. The emotion of the past weeks catching up to me in this final climactic moment.

I blinked away my tears. "Hallo Lazar." I tried to say.

He flashed his eyes at me, for just a fraction of a second, before looking back his food, pulling his plate a little closer.

I tried to take it all in at once.

I wiped a tear away quick. I didn't want to scare him.

I needn't have worried; he hardly noticed me.

Lazar finished his meal in a matter of seconds. The social worker took his hand and lead him, along with the rest of us, down the hall to the playroom. Lazar immediately sat down and started dangling the nearest object.

I walked in and picked him up for the first time. I quickly handed my camera to the nearest person to get a couple of pictures.

The social worker had been engaged in a conversation with someone in the hall. Suddenly she intervened and told me "No pictures until he is legally yours." She wanted me to delete these but I refused. Family at home deserves to be able to see these moments. I promised her I wouldn't do anything else with the pictures until he was mine.

He clung to me like a Rhesus monkey. At first I felt flattered. This would be GREAT for attachment!
(by the  next day I figured out he does this with whomever will let him, latching on to every.single.person who walked by. It is nothing but a survival skill for him; a way to get out of the group room.)

It was a short visit, 45 minutes at the most. Sometime during the visit the social worker asked me, "So what do you think? Is he what you expected? Are you accepting of his referral?"

I couldn't imagine saying no at this point. I know what all the papers say and his history, but I don't know anything about HIM. He is a little person who I am going to need time to know and understand. "I had no expectations." I said. "All I knew was he was a 7 year old boy with Down syndrome." What I wanted to say was, "A 7 year old boy with Down syndrome who has spent his entire life in an institution could mean anything. I knew better than to have expectations."

As we left the facility that day my mind was spinning. There was so much to take in! How I wished Dean was with me so we could process it all together. It would be a lie to say I wasn't worried. Lazar had a lot of orphanage behaviors, and was clearly lost in his own world. Did he have autism? Was he "just institutionalized" and some of those autistic-like qualities would eventually disappear? What about his eating? He was eating pure mush - applesauce consistency. Is he able to chew?  And that tongue! It was the largest tongue I'd ever seen! (the pictures above do NOT do it justice!) He spent every single moment sucking on it, and when he was eating he used it like his lower lip. I knew feeding therapy was in our future. When I held him it felt like he was just bones under a lot of clothing. How skinny was he really? The nurses said he was potty trained and yet I could feel he was in diapers. Could we be so lucky to get a child who is potty trained? He was a brand new walker, keeping his arms in high guard position. A toddler. We weren't prepared for a toddler. We were getting a SEVEN year old, but he is like a 6 month old who walks. Our house isn't childproof by any means.

I quickly went into my apartment and turned on Skype. It was now 6:00 a.m at home and Dean would be waiting for me. Waiting to see the first pictures of his new son.

"Well?" he said.

I uploaded the pictures and told Dean, "Umm...you need to childproof the house honey. I mean, like for a very young toddler. Put everything up."

I knew our lives were about to change in big ways. I was excited to see what God had in store for us.

November 19th, 2011

One year ago today I arrived in Belgrade, Serbia.

It's always a bit of a shock to one's system to sudden arrive in a country where the pilot doesn't always know how to park the plane AND you don't understand the language or read the signs.

It was a Saturday and I had three days to wait until I got to meet a tiny little boy for the very first time. But first...first there was some shopping to do!