I went to bed at 8:30 because I just couldn't keep my eyes open any longer. Then Dean came to bed at 11:00 and that was it for sleeping for me. Not because of anything Dean did. Rarely does his movement disturb my sleep. But this time, when I woke up, I remembered I have cancer.
You see, I've been able to pretend I don't have it. Because I wasn't being treated for it, (other than surgery which was a few days of discomfort) I didn't have to deal with it. It was there, but it was in the background. I have enough other things going on in my life that I didn't need hang out "there".
Now that treatment is decided….its different. It's here. It won't be invisible anymore.
Someone asked in the comments of a previous post if I would write about what I'm afraid of so they can pray for that in particular. My fears are completely irrational.
I have to say, I'm not afraid of cancer. The cancer I have is highly curable. I'm only slightly afraid of chemo. I have some very unrealistic expectations about some of the side effects but I'm hanging onto them because if there is a benefit to chemo, they are what I want. I'll take the weight loss. HA! Watch me be one of the people who gain weight while on chemo! Having said that, its not really good to loose weight during chemo because it affects your energy level and immune system. My rational brain knows this. The other side of me doesn't care.
Also, I have really bad hair. The women in my family have this very thick, wavy hair. They all have a lot of it! Mine??? Umm no, I did not get the gene for good hair. Mine is very thin and brittle and makes me look older. I want better hair and chemo might be my only hope. LOL But, like the weight loss, my hair will probably come back grey, curly, and thinner than it is now. I think I'm going to enjoy getting rid of my bad hair, if even for just a couple of months. I say that now because I'm safe saying it. When my hair is gone and all my ugly scalp bumps and scars are visible I will likely be singing a different tune. If you're here and have been through this yourself (not your mother, or your sister, or your friend. I'm looking for YOUR perspective of your own head, not your perspective of someone else's head.) Were you bothered by what you discovered had been hidden under your hair?
My other fear is that I've made the wrong choice. That I have some minor infection in me that will take advantage when chemo is knocking down my immune system. My fear is that my chemo plan that is supposed to be relatively short will somehow have some unexpected side effects and kill me. Thats my fear. Its not rational. Its not a realistic fear. But that is my fear.
But you know what? God knows what my fear is. And even though I get a little worked up now and then, I pray and ask him for peace and calm. To remove whatever it is at the moment. I pray for distraction. I pray for energy.
Oh, I have another fear! I'm betting Dean worries about it too. How bitchy I will be once I have my ovaries removed? This is not even an irrational fear. It is realistic.
I'm only slightly worried about the logistics of doing this chemo thing. I have a plan in my head of how it can work with minimal disruptions to our family schedule as possible. (this is me trying to be in control.) Keeping things as normal as possible for our kids is crucial, particularly for Abel. I know we have some great friends and family who are willing to help us out and in the end it will all be sorted out.
So that's it. My fears. Irrational, yes.
I have to tell you, never in my life have I craved sunshine like I am now. It has been raining here for more than two weeks and I can feel myself sinking a bit. I just need sun. I need to sit outside in my chair soaking up the sunshine and I need to watch my kids playing in that sunshine.
I'm debating about starting a separate blog for my cancer journey. Although I wanted to keep our life all together in one place, because cancer is now part of our life at the moment, I don't want people to get tired of coming here because I'm always posting about cancer. How depressing to read about THAT every day when you're coming here to read about the kids! If the sun ever comes out we'll spend all our time outside, which means lots more pictures of the kids, which means something to write about other than cancer. If you have thoughts on this, I'd love to hear them.
You see, I've been able to pretend I don't have it. Because I wasn't being treated for it, (other than surgery which was a few days of discomfort) I didn't have to deal with it. It was there, but it was in the background. I have enough other things going on in my life that I didn't need hang out "there".
Now that treatment is decided….its different. It's here. It won't be invisible anymore.
Someone asked in the comments of a previous post if I would write about what I'm afraid of so they can pray for that in particular. My fears are completely irrational.
I have to say, I'm not afraid of cancer. The cancer I have is highly curable. I'm only slightly afraid of chemo. I have some very unrealistic expectations about some of the side effects but I'm hanging onto them because if there is a benefit to chemo, they are what I want. I'll take the weight loss. HA! Watch me be one of the people who gain weight while on chemo! Having said that, its not really good to loose weight during chemo because it affects your energy level and immune system. My rational brain knows this. The other side of me doesn't care.
Also, I have really bad hair. The women in my family have this very thick, wavy hair. They all have a lot of it! Mine??? Umm no, I did not get the gene for good hair. Mine is very thin and brittle and makes me look older. I want better hair and chemo might be my only hope. LOL But, like the weight loss, my hair will probably come back grey, curly, and thinner than it is now. I think I'm going to enjoy getting rid of my bad hair, if even for just a couple of months. I say that now because I'm safe saying it. When my hair is gone and all my ugly scalp bumps and scars are visible I will likely be singing a different tune. If you're here and have been through this yourself (not your mother, or your sister, or your friend. I'm looking for YOUR perspective of your own head, not your perspective of someone else's head.) Were you bothered by what you discovered had been hidden under your hair?
My other fear is that I've made the wrong choice. That I have some minor infection in me that will take advantage when chemo is knocking down my immune system. My fear is that my chemo plan that is supposed to be relatively short will somehow have some unexpected side effects and kill me. Thats my fear. Its not rational. Its not a realistic fear. But that is my fear.
But you know what? God knows what my fear is. And even though I get a little worked up now and then, I pray and ask him for peace and calm. To remove whatever it is at the moment. I pray for distraction. I pray for energy.
Oh, I have another fear! I'm betting Dean worries about it too. How bitchy I will be once I have my ovaries removed? This is not even an irrational fear. It is realistic.
I'm only slightly worried about the logistics of doing this chemo thing. I have a plan in my head of how it can work with minimal disruptions to our family schedule as possible. (this is me trying to be in control.) Keeping things as normal as possible for our kids is crucial, particularly for Abel. I know we have some great friends and family who are willing to help us out and in the end it will all be sorted out.
So that's it. My fears. Irrational, yes.
I have to tell you, never in my life have I craved sunshine like I am now. It has been raining here for more than two weeks and I can feel myself sinking a bit. I just need sun. I need to sit outside in my chair soaking up the sunshine and I need to watch my kids playing in that sunshine.
I'm debating about starting a separate blog for my cancer journey. Although I wanted to keep our life all together in one place, because cancer is now part of our life at the moment, I don't want people to get tired of coming here because I'm always posting about cancer. How depressing to read about THAT every day when you're coming here to read about the kids! If the sun ever comes out we'll spend all our time outside, which means lots more pictures of the kids, which means something to write about other than cancer. If you have thoughts on this, I'd love to hear them.
