Sometimes it doesn't work Pt 1

Imagine walking through the city streets of Anywhere, USA when you encounter a group of homeless street children begging for food or money. You ask each of them their ages. There is a wide range, from three -15. You think of your home, your family, the empty seat at your table and the empty bed in the guest room. "I could do this" you think to yourself. You choose a child based on his age because that is really all you know.

 You go through the legal process to bring that child into your family. Everyone in the house is excited! Your children are excited about another sibling, maybe even to share a room with him or her. Your spouse is excited because there had been discussion about another baby but nobody was sure about going that direction. The new child is excited to have a family, with many hopes and dreams that will finally be satisfied by that word, "family".

And then the child comes home.

You discover it is hard to love a total stranger. It is hard to have a total stranger come into your home and just "know" how the house functions. This child, who has never had a family has spent his or her life fighting for every need and doesn't know how NOT to fight. Property destruction is a daily, sometimes hourly occurrence. Screaming, tantrums, aggression towards self and others, and the list goes on. Months go by and your biological children are unhappy because their peaceful lives have been turned upside down. They resent this new sibling. Your spouse had no idea this child was going to come with the issues he or she has and they are not getting resolved as quickly as everyone expected. Your friends adopted a child with similar needs and they are not still struggling months later! Surely you're doing something wrong? Surely there is some therapy or medication or...or....something that will help this all get better.

Finally the family reaches the point of crisis. The family unit is disintegrating. People are walking out, both kids and adults, because the stress has become too much and there is no help available. Nobody seems to understand how one child can cause such upheaval. In your head you know it is not the child causing the damage, but what is it? Is it an inability of the child to bond with the family? Is it the inability of the parent to bond with the child? Is it lack of experience? Training? Unrealistic expectations of adoption? Is there even an answer?   You feel like a failure. You have failed your children, your family, the adopted child who you promised a family who would love and adore him or her. Can you repair the damage done to each of the family members? You know the family needs counseling but where do you seek such counseling? You reach out for help even through fear of being judged; even though people will say you didn't try hard enough. Long enough. You didn't act fast enough.

You reach out.

Adoption: What does it take?

So you've decided to travel to another part of the world to adopt a child. I'm so glad you have. I've asked before, are you truly prepared?

There have been a couple situations recently that have people wondering if we, the parents who have already adopted, have been honest in our posts about what it's really like. Forget the rainbows and unicorns, where are the thorn bushes and riptides?

The very first fairy tale is that your new child will be plopped in your lap and you will love them as if you've just given him or her as if you've just given birth. The family who meets their new child and feels an instant bond with them is rare, I think. With a pregnancy you spend nine months nurturing that child, even learning some of the earliest things he or she likes or dislikes. With your adopted child you've had none of that. You are looking at a total stranger. It is no different than the woman on a plane from Frankfurt who, without warning,  handed me her infant to hold while she tried to stow her bags. The difference is if you'd received a picture of your child prior to that first meeting. I think it is nearly impossible to not create an imaginary personality to go with the picture. What do you do when that imaginary personality doesn't match the little person now standing before you?

When we adopted Axel, I told you about my first day with him. It was rough. Axel acted like a feral child. He had never been taught how to behave in public, and I had approximately 10 days to get his behavior to a point I could make it through airports with him. There wasn't "love", in the sense that he didn't feel like my child. That would take months to develop. I could have picked him off the street. I mean, I showed up at a foster home in the middle of Serbia and walked out with a child who was "mine".  Developing a relationship between was real work, as in sweat dripping down my face, ripped shirts, a black eye and nearly broken nose kind of work. Later it took him going through major surgery and suffering a lot of pain and me - whom he had learned to feel felt safe with and trusted - being the only one who could make it better. That's when the real love developed. He'd been home 6 months by that point. It didn't come easy. Love isn't automatic with a child with whom you share no biological connection.

With Asher I shared how far I had to "dig" to find him, bringing him out of his own world he'd sought as refuge. It took me several days of twice a day visits to get eye contact from him. It took me more than a week (that would be 14 visits totally 28 hours) to get him to smile. Those smiles were rare and took a lot of work. Talk about earning your wages! My "work" was to show him that that eye contact doesn't have to be scary, that he has the ability to laugh - and to cry - and he doesn't have to be afraid to do either. My "wages" were smiles, and - many weeks later - giggles. And just this week, and nine months home, an unsolicited kiss.

For both boys it took them being dependent upon me to meet their every need. For Asher this meant feeding him every bite of food one spoonful at a time. For Axel it was making his pain go away after surgery. Mommies and Daddy's are there for you. Just recently Asher has started to cry when he gets hurt. He never felt safe enough before. Now he's also learning WHEN to cry, because the ability to regulate emotions was something he turned off years ago. Now sometimes when's he's really excited he cries when he should be laughing. Sometimes when he should cry, he laughs. Asher has been with us 9 months and is finally finding his voice and experimenting with it. NINE MONTHS of work for all of us to get to this point.

And yes, with all of that, I am ready to do it again. I am ready to show another child the life she never knew she was missing. School and pizza, ice-cream and carnivals, kisses goodnight and lullabies, hugs for a job well done, hugs for a skinned knee, hugs when she's afraid, hugs just because she exists, she is valuable...because she is are loved.

Pre-Adoption Straight Talk

People frequently contact me with questions about adopting a child with special needs. I'm thrilled there are so many people who are interested in not only adding to their family, but specifically a child with special needs. Here are some things to consider when you're making your decision. This post is not meant to scare you out of adopting, or to intimidate you. Yes, I'll be pointing out many of the negatives in adoption. This post is meant to give you things to think about before adopting, laying the groundwork to a successful adoption experience.

Experience: Many people who adopt kids with Down syndrome or other special needs already have biological children with similar diagnosis or medical needs. They "get" what it's all about and have determined they can manage doing it all again. If your family is new to the world of special needs you need to do some research! If you're looking to adopt a child with Down syndrome, there are many resources on the net, like the National Down Syndrome Society , the National Association for Down Syndrome  or the  National Down Syndrome Congress where you can read through some of the common medical issues. (You can find similar organizations for just about any disability group or medical condition.) You can also read through the 2011 American Academy of Pediatrics abstract on Health Supervision for Children with Down syndrome, which will give you a a pretty good idea of what's involved for routine care for kids with DS. Ok, now that you've got your reading done, it's time to head to some events! Check out the calendar for your state or local level Down syndrome associations to see what's gong on. Meet the families and self advocates who live with Down syndrome every day. You could also attend a Special Olympics even near you. ENJOY your time!

Location: Ok, I have to say this one really gets to me. Several times, particularly in the past year, I've seen families adopt kids who need a high level of medical care but they live in very rural areas making access to medical specialists difficult. If you don't mind doing all the driving for what can become many trips, for many years, that's awesome! Unfortunately I've seen a few families recently who have denied their child necessary medical care because it's too far away and they don't like to drive in the big city. Really? You knew this going into the adoption! Checking out the logistics needed before you adopt can save you a lot of stress later down the road. If there is an international adoption clinic near you, they can help you locate specialists who are used to dealing with the unique care needed for many post-institutionalized children. Check out the children's hospitals near you. Do they have specialties? (we have several children's hospitals near us, one is the "go to" place for heart defects, another for orthopedic treatment, craniofacial care, etc.) If you have a child identified, are there specialists near you who are suited to meet the needs of that child? Are they taking new patients?

Health Insurance: What kind of health insurance coverage do you have? Will it cover all the things your new child may need? What is the yearly deductible? Is there a lifetime max? If so, how much is it? Ask families of children who have similar needs how much medical care of for their children costs.

Schools: Please, before you adopt, check out your local school district. A district may be awesome for typically developing children, but really leave a lot to be desired when it comes to special education services! Look into the different options of inclusion, mainstreaming, or self-contained classrooms. What is the philosophy of the district you're in? What do YOU want for your child? Will your child be able to attend your neighborhood school or will he/she need to be bussed to the other side of the city our county? Keep in mind that most services (PT/OT/ST) provided in school are the bare minimum and you may find you need to add private services. Are they available in your area? You may be planning on homeschooling your new addition, only to find out his or her educational needs are beyond you. Will you be comfortable seeking public education if that happens? If not, what are your other options?

Advocating: Are you prepared to advocate for your child to make sure his or her medical and educational needs are met even when you've been told "no" by the professionals for various things? Are you prepared to speak up the first time your child is called a horrible name, is mocked or made fun of?

Support system: What kind of support system do you have in place? How does your extended family feel about the concept of you adopting a child with special needs? Many say, "It doesn't matter what they think." only to find when it really happens to them, it DOES matter, and it hurts to say goodbye to family and/or good friends. All parents need a break from their child. Do you have anyone who can care for your child(ren) so you can get that break?

Time: When you bring your new child home, how much time will you have? If both parents work full-time, are you able to take maternity/paternity leave to be home with your new child during the bonding process? If you need to seek childcare, are there places near you that have the ability to care for your child's needs, including emotional/social/medical?  Bringing home your new child, particularly a child with Down syndrome or other significant needs, requires a lot of medical appointments right off the bat to sort out all the things which have not been addressed until now. (Asher, who only had a few issues, had 16 doctor appointments in the first 8 weeks home, a surgery w/hospital stay at 3 months, and a jazillion follow up appointments. Axel had no known medical issues other than needing dental work, yet ended up having a life-threatening condition requiring MAJOR surgery out of state, followed by months in a halo, and we're still doing follow-up appointments out of state.)

Are you prepared in your head?: Are you prepared to care for a child whom you have no biological connection to? Are you prepared to NOT love the child when he/she is placed in your lap? How do you feel when the most annoying neighbor kid visits your house? Some days your newly adopted child (particularly if they're older) will feel like that kid. Are you prepared to parent a child who may not like you? Don't expect that this child will suddenly like you, particularly when you are taking that child away from everything he/she knows. If you have parented step children, you already know these feelings and know whether or not you can handle it. If you are prepared for it, you will recognize when you're feeling it and be able to work through it. If you're not prepared for this, it can catch you off guard and be a very scary feeling.

I know there are other adoptive parents reading this post who may have things to add. Please do so in the comments. Again, I don't want to scare you away from adopting, but to give you some things to think about before you adopt.