Lack of organizational skills...HELP?

I wish I could figure out how to get the newer posts to the bottom of the page, and the old ones at that top. Instead I have to tell people to start reading FROM THE BOTTOM of the page. That is just backwards!

Anyway, we are sick here. Angela and I both have strep. She's just tired, while I'm running a fever and pretty much a mess. Sometime during the night Dean was talking to me, but I was hallucinating and thought he was Yira, warrior princess. I have no idea where that come from, but...well...Dean doesn't make a very good warrior princess.

There is a lot to do today. First, the floor guys are supposed to be here at 7:30 to put one last coat on the wood floors. I promise not to mess them up this time and won't set foot on them until this time tomorrow morning. What I'd really like to do is get a hotel, but finding one that will take 3 dogs and 8 puppies might be tough.

10:00 I'm supposed to take Zurri for her level I obedience graduation. Not sure if I'm going to or not. I'm no longer contagious, but I feel like crap. We'll see.

Sometime today.....I need to take Angela to Minneapolis childrens to get hip films and a ton of blood work done. We need to see if her funky gait has affected her hips at all. And the blood work...I dunno, there's a whole list of stuff they're looking for. Some commonly related to DS, and others not so much.

Tonight if Angela is feeling up to it is Special Olympics track and field practice. She loves this!!! Some of her best friends from school are there. She is completely independent while there and rarely has any behavioral issues, which makes me go hhhmmmmmm. But it's already warming up here and since she doesn't sweat this year might prove to be a tough one for her. Last year we had to drop out after the area meet because it was just too hot for her to attend practices.

Amongst all of this, there is a litter of puppies to care for. They're growing fast and their families are so excited to find out which one they're getting. I have a couple matched in my head, but won't make anything final until next week when they've reached 6 weeks old.

For me, today should be a better day. I'll be too busy to do much thinking about anything. You know what they say about "idle hands". Mine certainly won't be today. Thanks so much for thinking of us, and praying for us. I don't think I can wait till Weds to talk to the Neurologist. That is just too far away. I'll try him today and see if he's heard anything from the other dr.s and if he's had time to research whatever it is he was looking for. I'm thinking it was a needle in a haystack.

WHAT????????

I think the doctor thought I wasn't hearing what he was saying. I know my face was blank. Often when parents receive devastating news, their brain stops processing information at that point, and they don't hear anything else the doctor has to say. I think when he looked at me and said, "This is a grave situation" he thought I'd gotten to that point.

But I was hearing him, this doctor whom we've been seeing for 11 years. In fact, it was 11 years ago this winter that I first heard the term, "Moya Moya disease" from this very doctor. But this time, I expected him to say the disease had finally progressed to the point of needing to do surgery. Instead I heard something much different. Instead I heard, "We can't do anything the way it is right now. If it were MMD in the classic form, we could operate. But this isn't classic, and it leaves us in a very difficult situation."

I asked the couple of semi-intelligent questions that I could think of, and we were sent on to the appoitment desk. There were some films and bloodwork that needed to be done...THAT DAY. As Angela and I reached the appointment desk, I handed the nurse a form I'd been carrying with me for 3 days. It was a new release form authorizing the Neurologist to contact one of our other specialsts ASAP to fill her in. As I handed it to her and explained what it was, I lost it. I became a blubbering puddle of tears that was unable to talk. I managed to squeak that we'd come back on Monday for the tests. I couldn't do it today.

I couldn't do it that day because what I really needed to do was get to a phone. My cellphone isn't working at the moment and I needed to tell someone. I needed to call Dean...my rock...and I needed to call my mom....my anchor. Since I didn't have a cell it meant waiting till I got home. A whole hour....

I dropped Angela off at school and her teacher asked how the appointment went. That's all they needed to ask to send my over the edge. I told them the news then went home to call Dean and Mom.

Now that I've had a couple days to process everything, I'm finding myself thinking all sorts of crazy (and sometimes dark) things. For instance, I had to run pick up my check, and while driving had to wait at a light for a funeral procession. I found myself wondering if I should be setting aside money for funeral costs? My friend who's son has A.L.L. (a form of leukemia) said this is normal. In fact, she has sat in church and thought, "I like this song...it would be a good one for a funeral."

The strangest part of all is that our life has not changed. Other than adding aspirin to Angela's medication regimine, things are still the same. She's the same kid she was on Thursday. When you get a scary diagnosis, shouldn't something change? Like suddenly you have more doctor appointments for some kind of treatment. But so far, nothing has changed for us outwardly. Inwardly there's been a lot of change for Dean and I. Suddenly we know something about Angela that we never knew, that is following us like a big dark cloud, all knowing.

There are good things that have changed. I understand the behaviors now, and that Angela is in pain all the time and we didn't know it. (though we've suspected it for a long time) It's much easier to be patient with a child who is in pain and acting out because of it, than with a child who is just acting out for the sake of being mean.

So where do we go from here? We wait for the Neurologist to call. He promised to do so by Weds morning. He wanted to talk to the Neurosurgeons in Boston, and at Mayo to see if they had any brilliant ideas. Until then.....we wait....we watch....we try not to be paranoid....Most importantly we love our little girl and cherish every moment we have with her. We could have days, weeks, months or years, but we will cherish them.

Angela videos

Here are some cute Angela videos. She's such an amazing kid. You'd never know by watching her all that she's gone through, or will go through.

April 25, 2007

Angela shows the puppies

Special Olmypics 2006

Special Olympics 2006

Angela in Jr. Dog handling class, summer 2006

Angela Jr Handler class

Angela's Special Olympics Team
Spring 2006

The RAVE

A grave diagnosis

I guess it's time for me to start blogging on a daily basis. I need to be able to keep my thoughts together, and to keep people updated without spending double the time to do it.

Some of you are from my forum family and already know. Others are just stumbling upon my blog. So, here's a post I made to my forum family on Friday, April 27, 2007.
..................................................................

Early this morning we had Angela's appointment with the neurologist. Since her MRI was done a couple weeks ago and I hadn't heard anything, I'd decided that "no news is good news". And then a few days ago I realized...hmm...when her EEG was done they called me in a couple days to say it was normal. When her EKG was done they called me in a couple days to say it was normal. I haven't heard boo about the MRI....and now I know why.

I really didn't think it was possible, but what Angela has is worse that MoyaMoya disease.

In Moyamoya disease, there is a narrowing (sometimes blockage) on the internal carotid artery in the brain. As the narrowing progresses the brain, being in short supply of blood and oxygen, will start to create new blood vessels that kind of search out new blood supply. When this happens they can do a procedure, (very basic explanation here) that gives the brain a new blood supply to leach onto to. It's major neurosurgery.

So, as an infant Angela was found to have a narrowing on her Right carotid artery. But there was no revascularization, however her SYMPTOMS followed those of MMD. We've watched her all these years. About 3 or 4 years ago she started having TIA's (transient inschematic attacks, which are basically like mini-strokes.) but her MRI showed now changes in either the narrowing or revascularization, leaving everyone puzzled.

About 4 weeks ago she started having what are called "Tripping spells". Apparently these spells are indicative of a new blockage, so we repeated the MRI.

The MRI results are devestating.

Angela now has a significant blockage on her LEFT carotid artery that was not there before. It is WORSE than the original blockage on the right. There is NO revascularization going on. THAT is the worst part of all. If there were revascularization starting, we'd have an operable situation. Without the revascularization, the problem blood vessels that are located in the brain stem are not operable.

In the 4 weeks since the Neuro last saw her, Angela's gait has changed significantly, and it's because the right side of her body is now affected as well. Her speech is somewhat more difficult to understand. Her pupils are uneven. She is very tired. He said the behavioral issues are most likely because she ALWAYS has some level of a headache, and the escalations are problably when she's at more of a migrain level.

He is contacting the Neurosugreons in Boston and Mayo who specialize in MMD and have more experience with the disease in kids with DS to see if they have any thoughts. All of her records are being sent to each of them. All the rest of her symptoms fit MMD, the narrowing on both the left and right Carotid arteries fit MMD, but the lack of revascularization has him puzzled.

Angela's biggest risk right now is a massive stroke. A massive stroke on the left side of the brain at the level of the brain stem will not be survivable.

I am in shock and numb. I have known for years there was something more happening. In the last month my stomach has been in knots knowing that there is something more. But I expected him to say the MMD had progressed to the point where it's time to do the surgery. I didn't expect to be told it's likely there is nothing they can do.

Life is crazy in my house

Life is crazy in my house. And no....no pun intended! There are days when I wonder how I'm going to maintain my sanity and make it to the next one. People are constantly asking me how I do it? Well...I don't...HE does! HE keeps me going. HE helps me get the overwhelming number of errands, doctor appointments and other tasks done. Apparently, though, HE doesn't feel the housework is that important because I never seem to be able to get it done......sigh......

It's two more days until Halloween, and Angela is so excited. Quite awhile ago she decided she wanted to be an astronaut. It took me a bit to pull together a costume, but I did. When I asked her what I should be, she looked at me like I was clearly not thinking this all the way through, because what else could I be, except for an "Astronaut helper"? D..U...H!

But the best was a couple days ago. The new church we found was having a harvest festival and the kids needed to dress like cowboys/girls. As is typical for me, I remembered this event somewhere around 5:00 pm, and it started at 6:45. Cowboy clothes were NOT something I had floating around here. But I had a flash of intelligence, and remembered the neighbor boy who is king of dress-up! I called and talked to his mom, who just so happened to be cleaning up their basement playroom and had just gathered all the cowboy stuff into one spot. About 5 minutes later her kids were at my door with the anticipated western gear. Angela was thrilled to death, and couldn't wait to get the stuff on. I must admit, she makes one very beautiful cowgirl!

As Long As It's Healthy

originally written in January 2006

How many parents, when they discover they're expecting a baby, say, "We don't care if it's a boy or a girl, as long as it's healthy"? This amazes me!

If you don't yet have kids of your own, I want to warn you...you need to go back to school! If you already have kids of your own, start taking night classes. You should be focusing your new training on a masters in psychiatric medicine. That is because as a mom, nobody tells you that you need to be prepared to deal with these kinds of issues...just in case.

My 17 year old son has, among a long list of other things, parnoid schizophrenia. At least that's what we think it is. When you go in your child's room and you find that he's writing letters to the demon voices in his head....honestly...it will instantly make the hair on the back of your neck stand at attention.

I bet nobody has told you there may come a day when that beautiful baby, the one who had the huge smiles for you in his crib each morning, would one day threaten to end your life in a most gory way.

I bet nobody has told you that little boy who was so proud of himself when he learned to take those first steps would one day use those same feet to run away over and over again, leaving you at home to worry in the dark. Is he cold? Is he hungry? Is he alive? Did he finally find the bridge he's been talking about? I bet nobody has told you that some kids attempt suicide at a very early age, and that when they go to bed at night you don't know if they're going to get up again in the morning.

I certainly never thought my morning ritual would include the emotions it does now.

Each morning, when it's time to wake my son up for school, I stand outside his bedroom door willing myself to open it. I open it slowly, holding the knob firmly to have something to hold onto should I find the worst.

Because of the angle of his bed and the way he sleeps, his foot is the first thing I see every morning, and every morning the first thing I check for is the color of that foot. Is it blue? Grey? Does it flinch if he hears me?

I step around the tall dresser that is right by the door, too see if his face is showing as he usually sleeps with it covered. If I can see his face, I wait before I say anything. I want to see him......its the only time he is at peace...when he is sleeping. Sometimes if I look closely I can see the baby he was 17 years ago.

But most of the time I can't see his face so I'm forced to say his name. Softly....I say it softly...I want him to remember my voice is not always harsh and frustrated. Sometimes it is soft and loving...."Tyler....Tyler...." I hate that he doesn't hear me right away. It adds yet another moment of fear. "Tyler, are you awake?"

The moan of a sleeping teenager brought back to conciousness is music to my ears. But I'm not out of the woods yet. I have learned.... from experience... that the "moan" can mean he's so drugged from an overdose of something that he's unable to speak, and that I have just minutes to call an ambulance.

I have to get him to talk.

"Do you have anything going on after school today?"

His answer, though mumbled, lets me know all is right for the moment, and I can go on with the rest of my day.

Unfortunately, I have been known to let my guard down too soon, like today. No, he didn't try to hurt himself. Instead he threatened to hurt me. To put an end to MY suffering. With eyes clearly possessed by something evil and very foreign, this disease called schizophrenia, he stared me down and dared me to challenge him. Instead I locked myself in the bathroom and called the police and an ambulance to take him away.....again.....

What I would give to have that smiling toddler standing in the crib waiting for me. What I would give for that.......

_________________

Enlightenment

You know, some people just don't think before they speak. I have been guilty of doing this myself on occassion. But when people don't think before they TYPE? Oh come on! That's why you can save all kinds of things as "drafts" before hitting the "publish" button.

Another blogger recently wrote about "Bumper Sticker Thinking", and happened to make a really dumb comment. He saw a "My kid has Down Sydndrome" bumper sticker and thought that parent must surely hate the "My kid is an Honor Roll Student" stickers.

Ummmmm why would that bother a parent of a child with Down Syndrome? This guy hasn't thought it through.

When parent puts a bumper sticker about their child on the car, it's not so much for everyone else, but for their child! It shows my kid, "Hey! I'm so proud of you that I'm willing to share it with the whole world!"

Should I be any less proud of my child who has Down Syndrome? NO WAY! Not only does it show my daughter how proud I am of her, but it creates awareness for others who may one day find themselves sitting face to face with a doctor who is telling them results of their prenatal testing.

Did you know it is now estimated that 95% of babies with Down Syndrome are aborted? How is this different than genocide? The Down Syndrome community is so incredibly awesome. I cannot even begin to describe it. It's not just that your child has a disability and there is a common bond, but there is something truly special about people who have DS. It's not something I can even begin to describe. It is something you have to experience for yourself. But that community is slowly dwindling.

I have new aquaintance who is a first grade teacher in a HUGE metropolitan school district. Considering most kids with DS are now mainstreamed, she finds it quite odd that in the last 6 years she's not had one child with DS in her class. NOT ONE! Why??? Because they're being eliminated before they take their first breath. Mostly because medical professionals who only know the MEDICAL side of things encourage parents to terminate. But OB/GYN's, unless they have a personal connection to Down Syndrome, don't know anything past that child's first couple weeks of life. If they did know more, they'd realize it's not such a big deal! I'll tell you what, if my child had just DS to deal with in life.....HA!...life would be GRAND!

So I'm gonna put TEN MORE bumper stickers on my car, all about Down Syndrome. When you're sitting behind me at a stop light you can choose to read them, and read about my kid. And then, one day when you're sitting in the doctors office, hearing that the baby you tried so hard for is not quite as "perfect" as you hoped, you'll remember my car, and remember that life with Down Syndrome is NOT a curse, it is a GIFT.

Edited to add: I and one other parent commented on the blog belonging to the writer of "Bumper Sticker Thinking". There were a couple other parents as well, but our comments inluded links to videos of kids with DS being SUCCESSFUL in life. Apparently he didn't like that. Maybe that was hitting below the belt in his eyes. Anyway, he deleted those links. Interesting.

The gift of Perspective

This was originally written in Jan of 2006, but somehow it disappeared! It now appears in the book "Gifts, Mothers reflect on how children with Down Syndrome changed their lives."
.............
Ok..I took the kids to the tubing hill (huge hill, the city has tubes out, and down you go.) but there were no tubes today, and our ONE sled (for the 3 kids) sucks so I left the boys with Angela and ran to Walmart up the street for more.

I get to Walmart, and they are all sold out of the cheap ones, but have a bunch of the $25 SUPER FAST RACER SLEDS. I wasn't planning on spending $50, but if I showed up at the hill with empty handed Angela was absolutely freak out, so I had no choice but to purchase what the sign says is "the fastest sled in the neighborhood".

When I got back to the hill , the 4 of us (Noah, Tyler, Angela and I) are standing at the top of this huuuuuuuuuge hill. It's about 200 yards, with a good 50-75 yard flat area at the bottom. We decide to send Angela down, and one of the boys was going behind her to help back up the hill. She flew. She flew so far and Noah and I were at the top of the hill laughing at how fast and far she was going.

And then I saw it.

OMG I saw it.

At the end of the "runway" at the bottom of the hill....and nobody ever makes it that far...is about a 2 foot drop... TO A POND!!! And on the closest edge of the pond is about a 4 foot round hole of open water. Angela was headed straight for the open water.

I started freaking out and screaming "Someone grab that kid!! QUICK CATCH HER BEFORE SHE GETS TO THE POND!!!!" But the 25+ adults that she flew past just watched her go by. With sleds zooming past me, I start running down the middle of the glaze ice hill, trying not to take my eyes off her, sure she's going to go under. I can hear Tyler running and screaming behind me, and Noah behind him. Had someone had a video camera, it would have looked at one of those Chevy Chase movies. Where the kid is zooming down the hill 100 miles and hour, then cut to the fat mom, running in slow motion down a very steep, ice covered hill, with arms going like windmills, and legs not quite keeping up, mouth open in a slowed down distorted scream, and the teenagers coming from behind trying to bypass the screaming banshee mother.

I felt so very far away from her. OMG...I felt so far away.

I watched as she dropped off the edge, and SKIMMED ACROSS THE OPEN WATER, coming to a stop right smack in the middle of the pond, with her feet dangling over the edge of the ice. Laughing hysterically at her very exciting ride.

I'm still running, and screaming at her to not move. But I am fat, and slow,and Tyler got to the pond before me. He stood at the edge of the open water. I turned to look for someone else to help, and everyone had wandered away. Nobody even realized we are there. (Probably because they are all unconscious from getting whacked in the head by my flailing arms, and are now deaf from my piercing screams.)

"Go get her Tyler!" I screamed. He looked at me like I was insane. Ofcourse, I AM insane at the moment. I know it's not a very deeppool..probably 6 or 7 feet deep. I just cannot stand there knowing if shemoves she's going to go under. It occurs to me I'm a horrible swimmer.Tyler walked through the long weeds and snow to a different part of thepond, and as he stepped on the ice we could hear it crack. He looked at me, clearly scared to death and I screamed "GO!" and he did. And he carried her back to the side and I was freaking out. OMG....

I have never been so scared in my entire life. I had visions of funerals anda drowning kid and all the horrible things I could possibly think of. All Ireally wanted to do was go home.

But Angela had FUN and wanted to do it more! So we kept one person at the bottom to stop her. She never made it that far again, even if one of ushadn't been down there to stop. Evenso, we're never going to that hill again!

Ten years ago

Ten years ago, as you were flown away in a helicopter, your daddy said to me, "They think she might have Down Syndrome" I honestly had no idea what an affect those words would have on my life.

You are amazing, my little one who is sprouting up before my eyes. Each morning you wake me with the announcemet, "I have good news! It's morning!" with a smile a mile wide, eager to see what the day will bring you. I will admit, there are days here and there where I wish you could wait until it was light out to tell me this, but most of the time I secretly smile inside at the way your genuine joy brightens the room. (well, maybe it was the light switch you flipped on, but whatever.)

I marvel at the way you never forget a person's name, or a place, or the way home from any store, doctor's office or bank that we visit. The fact that you can remember a list in your head has saved me more than once. And nothing is ever lost in our house as long as you're here. Just today I lost my keys, and while I was looking for them you kept telling me, "They're in the door mom." but I didn't pay attention, you're a kid afterall. Finally when I was in my fit of frustration you opened a cabinet door and said, "See? I'm not touching them there." aaahhh yes...now I remembered. I had to hide them from you. But you don't miss a thing, do you?

I watch you struggle with your emotions and your friends. I watch you get mad at yourself when you make a mistake, and I cry inside when I can't make it easier for you. But even with all your difficulties, you persevere. You prove to those who should know better that there is no box to categorize you in. You are your own person. You know exactly who you are and you aren't about to let anyone tell you differently.

I see your confidence shine strong and true as you run a race in Special Olympics, or when you stand up in front of the entire school, singing your heart out as we watch look on, quietly wiping the tears away. Afterall, the "other moms" there have no clue what it took to get you there, do they?

You are an amazing young lady Angela. I can't wait to see what the next 10 years bring.

Kids and Summer Thoughts

I think it should be mandatory for all students to attend summer school, regardless of disability or not, because it helps parents survive what has already become a very long summer! The kids have only been out of school for one month, but it was the slowest month on record.

When I was a kid my next door neighbor moved to Oregon where they had year round school. I love the idea! The kids go to school for 9 weeks, have 3 weeks off, then back to school for another 9 weeks. How awesome is that? There is no having to pull your kids out of school for a family vacation, because every season has time off. The kids get to enjoy all kinds of weather that way!

Lets do uniforms too. I'm tired of my kid wearing some really wacked out clothes to school because he can. Those reading this thinking, "My kid will NOT be allowed to dress that way!" clearly aren't "there" yet with their kids. The independance thing really bites. You have to let them wear something really stupid so that people will look at them like they're wearing something really stupid, so that they don't ever want to wear the really stupid outfit again! But school...I don't get it. Some of the things I see kids wear could be considered a weapon! (I have a certain spiked dog colar and matching bracelet in mind. Might even be owned by an 18 year old I gave birth to.) If we went to uniforms, from kindergarten on up, wouldn't that just make life for all of us, parents, teachers, and kids far easier? Rest assured, kids will find a way to personalize them a bit, but still be within the spectrum of "uniform". Besides, then it wouldn't be such a shock when the want to do something like join the service when their mother has had enough of them, and they of her.

Ha! Speaking of the military....a couple months ago my 18 year old said he was thinking about joining the military, and wanting to go talk to a recruiter. I hope I didn't sound overly excited when I said, "What day do you want to go? I'll drive you there." Well naturally he didn't want my help, and a few days later was talking to a Marine recruiter on his own. (I don't exactly think he's marine material, but then again it IS better than sitting on my or someone else's couch all day! ) LET my kid talk to a recruiter??? Yeah, well his dad and I met in the Army, and the military is a fantastic experience. Yeah there's a war, but better to serve now voluntarily and CHOOSE your job, then to have to be pulled in under draft conditions. Anyway, he decided the military "doesn't pay enough".

HUH????

Yeah, 'cuz you know it's like 4 bucks an hour. WELL HELLO!!!! I had to enlighten him a bit. Like, what about the fact they buy all your clothes, put a roof over your head, and keep you fed too! Not to mention you LEARN a trade while you're there! Free travel, meet new people....the whole package is probably equivelant to a $30,000 a year income, far more than I'm making as a sign language interpreter. But what do I know? I'm only the mom.

When I was a kid, we lived in the middle of nowhere, and we had one neighbor that I played with who moved away when I was 13. I don't ever remember being bored, though I'm sure my mom probably heard some complaints now and then. But kids today...what's up with them? They expect to be ENTERAINED all the time. How often do you see a park full of kids anymore? Instead parents are putting them in this class, or that class. Parents are PAYING for someone else to entertain their kids so they can get some time to themselves. How come when kids are left to their own devices now, it ends up being something they can be jailed for? Hey mom and dad....Go play with your kids! Or better yet, as a family go volunteer for the special olympics, where you'll see parents who've dedicated thier lives to helping thier child be the best they can be, WITHOUT paying someone else to do it!

Ok....guess I rambled enough today. Check back tomorrow, maybe I'll have a "real" topic.

Who?....ME????

Today someone told me I'm an amazing person.

Who me? I wanted to look behind me to see if they were talking to someone else, but realized I was sitting at my pc reading it in an email, so that was unlikely.

So here I sit, trying to think what they could possibly see that would put me in the "amazing person" category. Analyzing yourself in such a way, (and without your head swelling) is very difficult to do.

The person who complimented me is a peer of mine, a parent of a child with a disability, namely Down Syndrome. What makes us different is that HER baby is brand new, and mine is now 9 years old. That means for the past 9 years I have been dealing with all sorts of things that they never teach you about in childbirth classes, ECFE classes, or anywhere else that I know of. These are things you can only learn by living them.

But I didn't learn alone. My daughter Angela and I have been learning together how to navigate the health care system, social services system, and the county and federal funding system. If Angela had not come into my life, I would know nothing about how to place a feeding tube into my child's stomach, and Angela would not know how it feels to have it placed there. I would not know how it feels to hand my child over to surgeons and walk away without crying, and Angela would not know how it feels to hold a strangers hand, wave goodbye to mommy, and have that stranger place a mask over her face, causing the world to go dark. I would know nothing of acronyms like ECSE, EI, IFSP, IEP, LRE, PT, OT, SLP, GI, PC, DS, CP, GT, O2, or any of the other gazillion or so acronyms I use on a daily basis, and Angela would not know how it feels to have me get upset, worried, excited, elated, defensive, depressed, exhilarated when these acronyms are used. Is it any wonder people are always asking me if I'm an RN or a med student? Is it any wonder people look at Angela and question weather she's really gone through all these things?

I would love to take credit for having developed this "amazing person" all on my own. But I can't, for really I had nothing to do with it. The Lord saw fit to send an angel to my home to change my life. That angel turned 9 this month. (Though I hate to tell ya Lord, but just in case you haven't noticed, her halo is sitting a little crooked and there's these little tiny horn-buds pushing it out of place!)

First Day at the Office

It seems my 16 year old son Tyler is really coming into his own now, however frustrating and scary it might be for me, his mom. I understand my own parents so much better now!

Tyler has been trying desparately to find a job for several weeks, filling out countless job applications to no avail. It's tough for a kid to learn hard lessons. Lessons like, it doesn't matter how YOU like to dress, if you want a job you have to dress differently. This means showering, trimming nails, wearing clothes that are not your old favorite standbys, AND removing all your peircings from your ears!

Tyler, unlike most kids his age, truly enjoys physical labor. Having a behavioral disorder, he prefers to work in isolation where people aren't constantly talking to him. He is very insightful about himself, and the things that "set him off", the things that he does and does not like to do, and the types of people that he can/cannot work around. He has spent the past school year working in a construction trades program at our local Technical college and loved it. He's also helped us do landscaping here, moving 25 tons of boulders by hand to build a retaining wall in our back yard. Unfortunately, being insightful didn't help him land a job!

I was about to take desparate measures, and bring Tyler to the local workforce center to see if they could do anything for him. The night before we were to go I prayed that God would help me to help him feel successful as a soon-to-be adult. That we could find him something that, being his very first job experience, would be something he liked doing.

The next morning I was running errands, and headed home on a route I don't normally take. Just a few miles from home I saw a sign at a roadside mom & pop veggie/landscaping stand. "Help wanted. Must have good work ethic! Apply inside." HHmmmm I turned around and went into the small open-front store and spoke to the woman there. I wanted to find out if they were looking for till help (not up Tyler's alley!) or what. When she told me they were looking for landscaping help, I could hardly wait to get home to get Tyler and bring him back!

Tyler started his very first job yesterday. He's working 12 hour days doing anything from planting trees to hauling rock. You know, all those things that landscapers do. But 12 hour days! My baby is working 12 hour days! Not only that, but it's hard physical labor! He didn't get home until 9:00 last night, and I don't know when I've ever seen him look so tired, but he was STILL smiling, talking about how he's going to spend his paycheck, yada yada yada.

Thank you God, for putting that sign on the road. For giving my son something he loves to do, and for helping me to let go!

It Sneaks Up On You

It sneaks up on you ya know. When you have little babies nobody ever warns you that one day....in the not so distant future....they're going to grow up and do adult things. Like driving! Last winter I realized just how fast it happens.

When I learned to drive, (I swear it feels like it was yesterday!) I took all three of my behind the wheel classes before my parents...ok my mom...would allow me to drive the family car. I remember them arguing about which vehicle I should drive, the suburban or the cadillac. Each had an argument for why I should drive the other's vehicle. At the time I thought it had to do with how difficult either one was to drive. Now I know better!

Fast forward to 2005, and my 16 year old son Tyler has just gotten his permit. Much to my surpise, things have changed! The first change is that now, when a kid takes behind the wheel, they have ONE session then come home with a list of things to practice BEFORE the next session! What? You want this kid, who's only been behind the wheel once in his entire life, to drive MY VAN? Not only that, but it comes with a little note like, "15 hours practice, then schedule you're next session." Oh....my....God! Do they not realize that 15 hour is a very long time?

Now, I have convinced myself that I am going to be the "cool mom" and let Tyler drive all the time. I can handle this. I am a grown up, have survived the military and everything. I should be able to handle a few hours of drive time with my son. I was soon going to come to the realization that teaching my child to drive was to be the scariest experience of my entire life! It out does Army basic training, Tear gas chambers and gas mask training. It outdoes childbirth even.

Our very first time went something like this:

My older son Noah (not yet a driver himself) was in the back seat. I calmly handed the min-van keys over to Tyler, noting that he was grinning so hard I thought he might actually hurt himself. He climbed behind the wheel, looking around for the shifter like he knows its there...somewhere. Calmly, and without a word, I reach over and touch the end of it with my fingertip. He giggles, "Oh yeah. It was in a different spot in the instructors car." I swallow hard, then double check to make sure my seatbelt is securely bucked. I look back to see that Noah is now sitting in the middle of the back seat, looking for something to hold onto.

I encourage Tyler to adjust the seat to fit his long legs, instead of it's current setting that fits my very short ones. He opts to leave it where it is, with his knees about 6 inches from his chest, leaving little room for the steering wheel. I remind him to adjust the mirrors to fit his line of vision, he opts to leave them where they are too. Then he reaches over and turns on the radio. I turn it off. Afterall, I need to concentrate here.

Now, we have an extremely steep driveway, with a 10 ft drop on what is now the driver's side. (Lets remeber that I, the mom, am on the passenger side of the car. This is NOT the place to be if you have control issues!) Picture a rollercoaster. As you come up the hill you cannot quite see over the peak to the other side. This is exactly how our driveway is. Funny I've never been afraid of this driveway before, but at this moment I have visions of us finding the edge and rolling down that hill. Tyler makes himself very tall in his seat to watch the nose of the van go up over the crest of the hill. By the way he's holding his breath I can tell he's scared to death, and then realize I'm holding my breath too!

Having survived the driveway (I only had to hold my breath a few seconds before it was over.) we pull onto the street and C-R-E-E-P up to the stop sign. This turn will put us on a busy highway with many blind entrances. Suddenly I want out of the car because I feel like I'm going to be sick. But I suck it up, say nothing, and hold on just a little tighter, hoping that he can't see my white knuckles on the door handle.

Out on the street, I realize how very narrow the lanes have become, especially since Tyler clearly has trouble staying in his! 55 miles per hour seems much like the Indy 500. But I don't really have to worry about it, cuz Tyler won't go more than 40. In my side mirror I notice the cars stacking up behind us and decide that when kid gets his permit, his parents should be given a "student driver" magnet for their car. (a few days later, on yet another practice session, I wrote in the dust on my back window "student driver, pray for the mom" but Tyler didn't think it was funny. Go figure.)

Well back to driving. I was trying not to say much too him, 'cuz I've heard that a distracted driver is a dangerous one, but there was a major intersection coming and I couldn't help myself. "Ok Tyler, now we're coming up to this stop sign. You can start to slow down now....Tyler...Slow DOWN now Tyler. Oh my God SLOW DOWN!!!! STOOOOP!!! How come you didn't slow DOWN when I told you too? Don't you know when the light is red, and the cars in front of you are stopped you have to stop too, and that takes TIME and DISTANCE???????"(ok, well yeah I was near a nervous breakdown, and I kid you not my chest started hurting with heart attack like symptoms.) I am pretty sure I heard Noah stifle a scream in the back seat. I looked back to see his expressionless face has gone white as snow.

We drive about another 2 miles and it starts sleeting. I also notice the traffic is picking up, as it's now peak rush hour. I make the executive decision that our little practice session is going to be cut short. I tell Tyler to pull into the next convenience store, and when we park (which took several tries to get the aim just right) I give him a dollar and tell him to go get a pop. When he comes back I'm sitting behind the wheel.

For the first time, I hear a 17 year old voice from the back seat, "Now I know why I don't want to drive."

There is no way we're going to have 15 hours of practice time before his next behind the wheel session. In fact, we're going to LIE!