Learning to Parent, Learning to be a child.

 

Adopting teens from hard places is hard. So far I have seen nothing that surprises me or that was unexpected. That does not make it less hard. It means, thankfully, I have to tools in my toolkit to address what is presented to me. It is still mentally exhausting. 

When a child is bounced from one foster home to the next, sometimes it happens the child becomes very ….indulged. The foster families know it is a temporary placement, and don’t want to use their energy in the constant battle, when the child is just going to leave days or weeks later only to start all over again. This creates a child who knows how to get their way. It also means as the newly adoptive parent, you need to decide how and when you’re going to address the behaviors that an overly indulged child with display when they don’t get what they want. 

Especially in public places. 

Because the other part of kids who have gone through some of these experiences is extreme attention-seeking behaviors. These can come in many forms, from indiscriminate affection, to overt property destruction, running away, etc. Also, playing up the tears for new people or in public spaces.  

On my first trip here it was evident on the first day I would need to be addressing some behaviors related to over indulgence. Demanding things in stores, never being told “no”, getting upset when one does not get what they want because instead of saying no the adults just attempted to ignore, demanding certain foods when there is no such food available, etc. I saw it many times. I was prepared. 

But every adoption is different, and one can only be so prepared. I forgot to prepare myself for the feelings that come up when an overly indulged child, who is an attention seeker, doesn’t get her way in a very public space…like a crowded park. And how it feels to have all eyes turned toward you, the English speaking American, when the now FAKE sobbing child is screaming in Bulgarian, looking to make sure people see her, while you try to propel her away from the very crowded space. Or how it feels to be followed by people who don’t speak your language but want to make sure the screaming teenager is safe, and they’re not sure what to do or  how to make sure she is. Then, as we reach our quiet neighborhood, and the waterworks are switched off and the overly indulged child is now laughing at you and mimicking your made face, while now demanding to stop for Pizza at the corner shop. And as frustrated as you are with the child, you have to remind yourself this is not her fault. That while she is definitely choosing to push buttons, and there are absolutely consequences involved to teach what is/is not acceptable, it does not erase the fact she was taught to behave this way. 

I forget to prepare myself for that. 

Two more sleeps. Two more sleeps. Two more sleeps.