Sometimes it doesn't work Pt 2

For as long as we have been part of the adoption community - a year or so prior to our first adoption - we have known there was a need for adoptive families to access respite care for their adopted child. The reasons are as varied as the children and parents themselves. Maybe the child never sleeps and the parents need a weekend to do nothing other than sleep. Maybe the child has very high medical needs and the parents need a few days to rest up and recharge without constantly responding to the next pump alarm, diaper blow out or tube feeding. Maybe they just need a few hours to reconnect with their spouse. Sometimes the situation is a bit more extreme; a family seeking counseling to get their feet back under them, or a family considering dissolution.

A few months ago Dean and I made the decision to open our home to adoptive families who need respite for whatever reason. Every parent, no matter how amazing, no matter how much patience and training they have, needs a break. . And its not even just the parents! Often the entire family needs a break! Unfortunately not all kids are cute and adorable, particularly if they are post institutional children. Some of these kids can be really difficult to find outside care for. I know, we know, because we have a child who cannot be left with just anyone. We have a child who may be amazing for us, but for anyone else - including school staff - immediately reverts to a feral state the moment we are out of sight. There is no such thing as getting a sitter for this child. And so Dean and I chose to become "those people" who aren't really phased by a kid who struggles to function while his or her parents get a much needed breather. We have also offered respite to families who are barely hanging on by a thread, who's marriages and/or families are falling apart around them. In these situations we request the family be seeking counseling services, being proactive in their attempts to keep their family together, while we are providing respite.

Adoption dissolution, sometimes referred to as disruption, is not a new phenomenon. It is not even rare. I think most people would be shocked to know just how often it happens, mostly because nobody talks about it. It is the deep, dark secret of the adoption community. Adoption dissolution is so common that every state in the US has attorneys who specialize in the process, who are specially trained in the laws of ICPC regulations (Interstate Compact on the Placement of Children). However, with the advent of social media, first with blogs, then Facebook and other ways to connect, people are hearing about adoption dissolution for the first time and are shocked this could be happening. Again, its not new. Maybe just new to you.

I think it is difficult for those who have never adopted, or who were lucky enough to adopt an "easy" child, to put themselves in the shoes of the adoptive family in crisis. If you have a biological child, think back those first few months. Maybe you had a really colicky baby and you were frazzled to no end. Now imagine doing that with a child who you have no connection to...or...gasp....who you may not even like. Maybe you had a baby who was super easy, and you looked at your friend with the colicky baby, saying to yourself, "Thank God that's not me!" Now, substitute "new baby" with adopted child.

As I mentioned above, adoption dissolution is the dirty secret of the adoption world. Why? Why the secret? Because of those who have no compassion for the failures of humans. I don't know of anyone who adopts a child and disrupts, who does not spend months in agony over the decision, tearing themselves apart about what they could have done differently, better, faster, or not at all. Some who regret the decision to adopt in the first place. And of course, there is human pride. "I failed." There is much judgement that cannot be avoided. Some families move to other communities where the neighbors don't know a child is missing, some change churches, others just stop talking to anyone, leaving their biological children to answer the questions of others. If you can imagine a situation, it has probably happened.

But what happens next? Where does the child go? That child who wasn't bonding or was difficult to manage. The child one family could no longer care for?

That's the other secret... Part 3.

We thought we were done!

We thought we were done adding to our family, but there was one more member we didn't know about.

Meet Kat the Cat.

She is a rescue, approximately 3-4 months old. Just a sweetheart!

This is her most favorite resting place; right on my chest where she purrs and keeps me warm. It does make typing on the computer a bit interesting, especially when she's in a mood to chase the curser around the screen. 

Kat and the dogs get along very well. She likes to get a drink whenever one of the dogs does.

The kids love her, especially Abel who is oh-so-gentle with her!

When she purrs he likes to lay his head on her to feel the vibration.

How long will YOU ignore them?

“We learned that orphans are easier to ignore before you know their names. They are easier to ignore before you see their faces. It is easier to pretend they’re not real before you hold them in your arms. But once you do, everything changes.” –David Platt

Birthmother's Day

The English translation is at the bottom of this post. This was written for Birthmother's day, which is the Saturday before Mother's Day.
..................................

Ko je rođena majka? Ona je ta koja je nosila dete u svom stomaku devet meseci, vezana je sa njim na način koji mi necemo nikada spoznati. Na kraju, ona je ta koja je dala zivot detetu i koja ga je drzla u narucju dok je uzimalo prvi dah.  U jednom trenutku ona je morala da odluči  ili je neko odlucio umesto nje, da dozvoli da neko drugi odgaja to dete. U nekom trenutku ona je morala da se okrene i ode.

 U Americi subota pred Materice je dan Rođene Majke. Ja to ne bih nazvala danom proslave. To zvuci pomalo grubo, zar ne? Mozemo li slaviti cinjenicu da je rođena majka napustila dete? Mislim da je Dan Priznanja, dosta prikladnije ime. Na taj nacin odajemo priznanje rođenim majkama, bez kojih ne bismo imali nase sinove.

U slučaju međunarodnog usvajanja, velika je retkost da se ostane u kontaktu sa rođenom majkom, a jos veca da se upozna sa njom. To nije nešto što svako može da podnese, emotivno ili fizički. Zahvalna sam Bogu svaki dan sto mi je dopostio da upoznam Akselovu porodicu.

Za S…

Danas ste u mojim mislima dok Aksel-Đorđe ulazi u kuhinju na doručak. " Dobro Jutro mama". on pokušava reci, najbolje moguce uz pomoc znakova. Reč " mama " me podseća da postojimo nas dve mame. Da nije bilo vas, ne bih imala ovog predivnog dečaka koji danas sedi tu pored mene. Vaša žrtva je bila moja nagrada. Često se pitam, Boze zašto ih stavi u tako nezahvalnu poziciju u kojoj su se našli? Ne znam da li bih ja sama ikada bila dovoljno jaka da podnesem takvu žrtvu. Vi ste mnogo jača osoba od mene. Mesecima ste ga presvlačili, hranili, kupali, učili najbolje što možete. Vodili ste ga kod doktora i ostalih koji su vam rekli da je situacija beznadežna. Plakali ste dan i noc, pitajući se kako ce te živeti sa sobom ako ostavite dete.

Meni je Bog podario lak posao. Trebalo je samo da se pojavim u pravo vreme, i da nastavim putem koji mi je već bio poznat-podizanje deteta sa Dounovim Sindromom.

Obećavam:

necu olako shvatiti ovaj zadatak, Bog mi je poverio sina koga cemo zauvek deliti.

Obećavam:

vi ćete uvek biti prisutni u njegovom životu.

Obećavam:

odgajaću ga da veruje u Boga, da bude hrabar i iskren mladić.

Obećavam:

da nikada nece misliti da ste ga napustili.

Obećavam:

poljubicu ga za vas svaki dan.

Obećavam: .

da ćete opet zagrliti svoga sina.

What is a birthmother? She is the person who carried a child in her womb for nine months, bonding with that child in ways we will never know and eventually giving birth to that child. She may or may not have held that child while he took his first breaths. At some point in time she decided, or the decision was made for her, to allow someone else to parent that child. At some point, she had to turn and walk away.

The saturday before Mother's Day is Birthmother's day. I wouldn't call it a day of "celebration". That seems a bit harsh, doesn't it? To "celebrate" the fact a birthmother had to walk away? I think a day of "recognition" is more appropriate. To pay homage to the fact were it not for a birthmother, I would not have my boys.

In the case of international adoption, it is rare to have contact with, much less meet your adopted child's birthmother. It is not something everyone is able to do emotionally or physically. I thank God every day for allowing me to meet Axel's birthmother (and father and brother too!)

To S....

Today you are on my mind as Axel Djordje walks into the kitchen for breakfast. "Morning Mom." he tries his best to say along with the signs. The word "mom" reminds me there are two of us. If it were not for you, I would not have this amazing boy sitting at my table. Your sacrifice was my gain. I often ask God why you were put into the position you were, and would I ever be strong enough to make such a sacrifice? You are a much stronger woman than I. All those months you changed him, fed him, bathed him, taught him the best you could. You took him to doctors and others who told you the situation in Serbia was hopeless. You cried yourself to sleep wondering how you would be able to live with yourself if you walked away.

God gave me the easy job. I just had to show up and walk a path I'm already familiar with: raising a child with Down syndrome.

But I promise you...
I will never take my job lightly. God has entrusted me with a son you and I will share for all eternity.

I promise you...
he will know you exist.

I promise you...
I will raise up this son to be a God loving, caring, courageous and honest young man.

I promise you...
he will never think you abandoned him.

I promise you...
I will give him a kiss from you every day.

I promise you...
one day you will hug your son again.

I promise you.

................................................................................

To V...

7 years, 6 months and 4 days ago, you gave birth to a beautiful little boy. It was a traumatic day for you, being told your son had Down syndrome. In a country where little help exists and jobs are scarce, you knew right then raising him was beyond your means. You sacrificed your heart.

I know you loved him because you visited him often. I can only imagine that day in October when you were with him, celebrating his 7th birthday. You left after giving him many hugs and kisses, only to be told a few hours later I was coming for him. The anguish...When I was told this I could feel your pain in the depth of my soul.

It was your voice he heard all those months in your womb. You were there for his first breath. He looked into your eyes before anyone else. Moments you, and you alone, shared with him.

I pray that someone has told you how well he's doing in our family. How quickly he's growing. How fast he is learning. How much he is loved.

I know that someday, in God's perfect timing, we will meet. Someday, a boy named Asher Lazar will say hello to you...

and you will hold him again.

He is not gone from you forever.

...................................................

Kid or Cat?

Shortly after Asher arrived here from Serbia, we noticed he would often find patches of sunlight shining on the floor. When he found them he'd do all he could to get his entire body into the patch on the floor. If it was only a small patch he'd put his hand in it, wiggling his fingers in the warmth.

Now that it's (slowly) been getting nice outside, he craves being out in the sunlight. He's very quick to race you to the door if he knows you're going out. This morning Dean was watering the plants he gave me for Mother's Day. He went back inside to refill the pitcher and returned to find this:

Hopefully now that we can be outside much of the day his Vitamin D levels will start coming up!

5 months home

Asher has been home 5 months now. Five very amazing months. There has been a lot to learn about this world crammed into these first months home. Watching all the "firsts" of life is a most wonderful thing for a parent to witness!