Student of the Week

Last week Asher was student of the week in his first grade classroom. I wish his teacher hadn't chosen him first. He has no idea what it means, or what is supposed to happen. If he'd seen a few kids be the student of the week before him he'd understand what was going on.

Student of the week is something that can make a parent of an adopted child cringe. Asher came home with a poster that included lots of questions we were supposed to answer, like "Where was I born?" and "The happiest day of my life."

Was the day he met me, his new mom, the happiest day of his life? Probably not. Was the day he left an institution in the middle of Serbia the happiest day of his life? No, it was probably the scariest!!! Really, I would have no idea what other day would have been the happiest. This is a child who spent 7 years abandoned, drugged and severely neglected. I have no idea where he'd find the happiness in that.

Here's how we answered his questions:

My full name:
Asher L. S.

Where i was born:
Kragujevac, Serbia

Favorite foods: 
yogurt, ice cream

Favorite colors:
blue, orange

Pets:
3 dogs: Dudley, Zurri, Roman

Family members:
Mom & Dad
7 brothers: Rob, Noah, Tyler, Bryon, Aaron, Axel, Abel
1 sister: Angela

One thing I can do very well is:
climb!!!

Favorite thing to do in school:
Music

Happiest thing that ever happened to me:
When I came to America!

Special interest or hobbies:
Playing with my brothers and sister, singing with Mom.

Thing I like to do best at home:
Sing, sing, sing!

Jobs I do at home: 
put my dirty clothes in the hamper, put my dishes in the sink, put away my toys before I go to bed, make my bed.

We also did a poster-board full of pictures. Since Asher hasn't even been with us 2 years yet, we don't have any cute baby pictures or things like that. I decided to call it "My firsts" and it included a picture of "The first time I met my mom." or "The first time I met my grandpa." "The first time I finger painted." and "My first hamburger" and "First time I saw a washing machine".

I knew that Asher's "Student of the Week" was going to bring some questions from his classmates. I decided to use this opportunity to introduce Asher and Down syndrome to the other parents, as well as address some questions they may get from their kids. Last year I sent out basically the same letter and received several emails from the other parents thanking me for the information because their child HAD come home with questions and they really didn't know how to answer them. It was a great way to connect with the other parents and several had more questions. Later in the year as I was involved in various classroom activities the other parents were really proud of their kids and how well they included  Asher in their play.

Here's to hope this is another awesome year for Asher!

Is it *Really* Inclusion?

Our school district practices inclusion. Really though, it looks more like "mainstreaming" than it does true inclusion. There is a big difference between the two models. But whatever...I don't want to get into all that right now.

All of my kids spend some time during the day in the regular ed, aka "mainstream" classroom. When in those mainstream classrooms they are supposed to be fully included while there. One of my kids classes has a "buddy" program with another class, and they frequently do activities together during the school day. But these are fake friendships. How do I know? Because when the classes go their separate ways those friendships are left at the door. "Real" friends invite their friends to activities outside of the school day, things like going to the movies, out for a burger, a sleepover, a high school sporting event.

But what happens when the school bell rings and all the kids go home? As I mentioned above, those fake friendships get left at the door, where the school credit and the volunteer hours that look so good on college resumes end.

Special educators, and even some mainstream teachers, are aware of inclusion and if they're good they know how to foster it. They make sure to get students with special needs included in school activities. But what is being done for the mainstream students so that they, too, understand what inclusion really means. Do they know what "isolation" means? Do they know what it looks like?

I know one school district in our area that has a great friendship program. It is not for credit. It is for those students who WANT to be involved in it. Through those interactions the students develop true friendships. I have some thoughts about things that could help foster real friendships between students in special education and their mainstream peers.

Since our district is in homecoming week right now, I'll start there. I have been to school pepfests prior to big games. The Special Ed students sit with the other special ed students in their grade level. I honestly don't know if it's because they're told to or this is where they feel comfortable. How about a buddy program instead? Let the special ed student sit with their buddy buried amongst the other students. I can guarantee they'd rather sit with their peers than with support staff. And what about the Homecoming game? Who do "our kids" sit with at the game? Every game we have gone to Angela has sat with us, which is NOT where she wants to be. Evidenced by the fact I have to keep hunting her down, and always she has made her way to the middle of the crowd of her regular ed. peers. She looks at me and waves with a HUGE grin because she is right where she wants to be. With her friends, not her parents. Just like any other kid. Schools make a big deal out of fostering school spirit, but I think sometimes people forget all the different people who make up the community that is school.

Look at the Homecoming dance. Could a group of girls take one special ed student under their wing for dance prep? Hair, make up and all that jazz? Invite the special ed students to hang out with theme at the  dance instead of leaving them standing on the fringes (or not attending the dance at all because they've been so badly excluded and no longer feel comfortable in that environment.)

Prom dress shopping. Angela is my first and only girl, but I'm guessing a lot of girls go shopping for prom dresses together? There is an area school who puts on a special prom for students with disabilities. Our district does a special prom too, but really? Should they have to? Shouldn't our kids feel comfortable going to the regular prom? At their own school?

Aren't all of these activities, along with others throughout the school year, part of building our memories of high school? Just as my kids are entitled to an inclusive education, aren't they also entitled to the same memories their mainstream peers get to have?

Let me hear your thoughts. What are some other ways to foster inclusion with the regular ed students in my child's school or yours? What is your school doing that works? What aren't they doing that you'd like to see changed?

Tough, Emontional Days

First of all, I want to thank everyone for their comments and support regarding the situation with the assault at school. I know that some things are going to come back at us (actually, they already have). The County Attorney's comment about "maybe it's time someone teaches her this isn't ok." is not the only one we've heard.

I wish lots of things for Angela. One of the things I wish is that she "only" had Down Syndrome. If she only had Down Syndrome life would be a bit easier. But that is not the card she (and we) were dealt. Instead she has a brain injury on top of a cognitive disability, which results in some pretty aggressive behavior, with zero impulse control. These things don't happen often, but they do happen. If it weren't for the additional problems we would not be where we are today. We would not have the day to day struggles that we have with her, she would have friends.

If you're reading this, and your child goes to school with my child, I want you to think about something. Please know I'm not asking you to pity Angela. I'm asking you to think about what her life is like from HER eyes. Do you know that Angela has not been invited to a single birthday party in TWO YEARS? Do you know she has NEVER ONCE been invited to an overnight by anyone other than one other child who is also disabled? Do you know that every Monday morning she goes to school and hears the other girls talking about the fun times they've had with sleep-overs during the weekend, and wonders why she's never been invited? Do you know she's has never once been invited to a birthday party by one of her regular ed. peers? Imagine what it feels like to be her. If I were here, I'd be angry and screaming for attention too. Instead she comes home and creates an entire school's worth of invisible imaginary friends, who just happen to be named after all the people in her class. Why? BECAUSE SHE'S LONELY! Imagine being so lonely at 11 years old that you have to create imaginary friends.

Don't get me wrong, I understand that she's the "forgotten one" when it comes to her mainstream peers. She's not in the classroom enough for her to be on the top of the invite list. Every week I hear from parents who tell me "My daughter comes home and talks about Angela all the time. She just ADORES her." while in the back of my mind I'm screaming "SO INVITE HER TO A DAMN BIRTHDAY PARTY!!!! BE A REAL FRIEND!!!!"

And at the same time there is another voice in my head that says, "Why would they want to invite her? They don't know what she's like outside of the classroom. All they remember is the time a year ago when Angela pulled their daughter's hair. They don't hear about the hugs Angela gives their sons and daughters every day. They don't know how Angela idolizes their children. They don't know Angela!!!"

So, tonight I'm crying for my daughter. I just want for her what every mother wants for their daughter, and I can't give it to her. I can't make it happen. I can't protect her from the world, and I can't change what she has. This is something I cannot fix. I think it's the worst feeling I've ever had as a mother.