Sometimes it doesn't work Pt 1

Imagine walking through the city streets of Anywhere, USA when you encounter a group of homeless street children begging for food or money. You ask each of them their ages. There is a wide range, from three -15. You think of your home, your family, the empty seat at your table and the empty bed in the guest room. "I could do this" you think to yourself. You choose a child based on his age because that is really all you know.

 You go through the legal process to bring that child into your family. Everyone in the house is excited! Your children are excited about another sibling, maybe even to share a room with him or her. Your spouse is excited because there had been discussion about another baby but nobody was sure about going that direction. The new child is excited to have a family, with many hopes and dreams that will finally be satisfied by that word, "family".

And then the child comes home.

You discover it is hard to love a total stranger. It is hard to have a total stranger come into your home and just "know" how the house functions. This child, who has never had a family has spent his or her life fighting for every need and doesn't know how NOT to fight. Property destruction is a daily, sometimes hourly occurrence. Screaming, tantrums, aggression towards self and others, and the list goes on. Months go by and your biological children are unhappy because their peaceful lives have been turned upside down. They resent this new sibling. Your spouse had no idea this child was going to come with the issues he or she has and they are not getting resolved as quickly as everyone expected. Your friends adopted a child with similar needs and they are not still struggling months later! Surely you're doing something wrong? Surely there is some therapy or medication or...or....something that will help this all get better.

Finally the family reaches the point of crisis. The family unit is disintegrating. People are walking out, both kids and adults, because the stress has become too much and there is no help available. Nobody seems to understand how one child can cause such upheaval. In your head you know it is not the child causing the damage, but what is it? Is it an inability of the child to bond with the family? Is it the inability of the parent to bond with the child? Is it lack of experience? Training? Unrealistic expectations of adoption? Is there even an answer?   You feel like a failure. You have failed your children, your family, the adopted child who you promised a family who would love and adore him or her. Can you repair the damage done to each of the family members? You know the family needs counseling but where do you seek such counseling? You reach out for help even through fear of being judged; even though people will say you didn't try hard enough. Long enough. You didn't act fast enough.

You reach out.

Too much of a good thing?

Every day people email me or post comments on my blog asking how Axel's transition into the family is going and how Angela is doing.

Is it possible for it to be going "too well"?

The first day I had custody of Axel was rough. I was expecting the worst, so I wasn't surprised. That said, it doesn't really matter how well you prepare yourself, when it comes down to it you have NO CLUE what each child is capable of dishing out until you finally have them in your care. What surprised me about Axel was that he didn't cry or act upset. HE LAUGHED. He laughed as he pulled my hair, and he laughed as he threw my glasses. He just laughed.

It took a few days of him testing the my limits, but each day was better than the one before. By the time our travel date rolled around, he was perfect 90% of the time. The other 10% were very typical, developmentally appropriate issue to deal with, that I would expect to see from any child stuck with a new mother he couldn't understand.

I warned Dean that when we got home Axel would start testing the limits all over again with him, and he did. Those issues are also mostly gone.

Our days have progressed to having two kids home, (Angela is out of school for Christmas break) listening to them play together, then shifting them to a different activity when they start getting carried away, working with Axel on some of the million learning things he's missed out on, and getting them both out in the world to experience it.

This transition has gone so well thus far, that it has be worried about what I can't see. Like there is something waiting around the corner. I know I shouldn't throw stuff like this out there in the universe, but I can't deny that I have these thoughts going through my head once in awhile. I mean...this has been too easy so far.

Next week we have several doctor visits lined up. (PLEASE PRAY we hear about his insurance by Friday, otherwise we'll be paying for all these visits out of pocket, and we don't have that much to cover all of them right now.) Monday we have an appointment for Angela, Tuesday both Angela and Axel will be seeing the dentist, and Weds we'll be going to the International Adoption Clinic. Sometime during the week I'll be hearing from the school district about what day they want to start his assessments which have to be done before he can start school. I can't wait to get these done, as they'll give us a baseline to compare to a few months from now.

Angela has been adjusting very well. We arrived home on Weds, 12/16. The next day I gave Angela the choice of going to school or staying home with us. She chose school, but by mid morning it had proven to be too much for her. She asked he teacher to call me, and we were able to talk her into staying for the rest of the day. The next week, on the last day before Christmas break, she couldn't hold it together. Her teacher had gone home unexpectedly so there was a sub for her along with subs for some of the aids. It was Christmas mayhem at school, and there was a new brother at home. School called me at 10:30 to tell me they were seeing behaviors they hadn't seen in well over a year. It was time to bring my girl home to just hang out with her brother.

She has done great since then. We had a minor incident yesterday but other than that they've been great. Angela makes it clear when she needs some attention, and we oblige her with that, while also trying to notice other things she's doing BEFORE she feels the need to ask for attention. I think the newness of Axel is wearing off and when school starts up again next week Angela will be ready to go back to her normal routine.

So...is it possible for things to be "too well"?