Communication: Why is it so difficult?

When my  now-adult boys were little, I happily sent them off to school each day. In the afternoon they would come home, chattering away about all the things they'd done while they were away from me; what they ate for lunch, who they played with at recess, who had a birthday or that they'd had Art or Music that day. We had conversations about their day.

Now I have three kids with limited communication skills. Angela is able to tell me what is important to her, like who she at lunch with, or that she saw a favorite teacher in the hall. There are other things she tries to tell me but she is very difficult to understand, even for me, so unless someone has told me ahead of time or I know the context, much is lost in translation.

Axel, he is completely unable to tell me about his day. Sometimes he might come home and sign "birthday" along with the name sign of one of his classmates. Assuming I know the name signs I'm able to put together that so-and-so had a birthday. He is not able to tell me anything else. He can't tell me about his favorite song they're doing in music, what they did in phy ed, or who he played with at recess.

And then there is Asher, who has NO school-based language at all. The signs he knows are limited to the 50 or so he's learned from me in the 9 months since we adopted him. He can't tell me even the smallest detail about his day. Nothing. I send him to school silent and stoic and he returns to me the same way. I open his lunch box to see that he ate lunch...or did he? I have no idea. I use other clues: the dust on his shoes tells me he was on the playground, the marker on his hands tells me he attempted to color.

I don't think that teachers, unless they themselves are parenting a child with limited language skills, understand how difficult it is to send our children out into the world and expect that all is good and well. None of my kids can tell me they got 100% - or an F - on a spelling or math test, that they made a cool project in art or that their schedule is confusing to them.  Those same kids who can't tell me about the fun things they've done all day? They're also unable to tell me about anything unpleasant that has happened to them. They can't tell me if they've had a problem on the bus with someone. They can't tell me if anyone is harassing them in the halls. They can't tell me about problems in the locker room, the cafeteria, that they don't like a staff person at school - or why.

If you're a teacher and you're reading this....please...please understand why we parents of kids who are language impaired NEED you to communicate with us. Its not that we're trying to create more work for you, but because we're trying to encourage our kids to communicate with us but we need the information from you in order to prompt our kids and teach them HOW to communicate.

But its more than that. We NEED to know what our children are doing each and every day while they're away from us. We need to know who they play with, who they choose to eat with, that they struggled to keep up in phy. ed, that they really enjoyed the craft activity you did today, or even that they DID a craft activity today!

We have entrusted our babies to you, please respect our trust.

Speech

I'm frustrated.

How's that for an introductory sentence?

I know lots of kids with DS who were adopted older who are talking. Not only that, but I was with one of them when he was adopted at age 7, and he was saying many words in English in the first week he was with his new mom (as I tagged along). I see videos of other kids at a mere couple of months home, and they're talking. Sentences.

Axel doesn't talk. Well, he has a some words he can say but only if they're in isolation and he rarely chooses to use them. Instead we get "Axelese". I think in his head he thinks he's speaking the same language we are, but it just doesn't come out. 100 times a day he says, "Didi oo....right?" We used to answer with "Right!" That was until we realized sometimes he's asking if he could do something...that he can't...and we've just given him permission to do so! If we are frustrated, Axel has to be even moreso.

Although Axel is hearing, he goes to deaf and hard of hearing special ed. classroom where only ASL is used. The teacher, who is also deaf, does use speech with Axel also. Axel really needed this program and it has been wonderful for him. Part of Axel's language issues stem from the fact he was exposed to several different language before we got him, none of those exposures lasting long enough for him to learn the language of the setting. Because of his, Axel never developed a first language, and sadly his window for developing an intact language is closed. I have seen Axel in school and how he signs with his teachers and staff. He signs quite a lot and is figuring out the difference between deaf people and those who are hearing; how to get their attention, that they have to be looking at you to know what you're saying, etc. I am also fluent in ASL but for some reason Axel refuses to sign at home. One day over spring break he signed all day long and it was wonderful. I knew exactly what he wanted the whole day! But it was one day. Just one.

I don't know what Axel's school day will look like next year. I know that he has picked up enough sign now that he can access and interpreter at least for short periods of time. He goes to the mainstream music class and seems to do fine. His placement for this year was absolutely the right choice. I haven't second guessed myself where that's concerned. I usually have a pretty good idea what my kids need, but right now I'm pretty lost as far as what to do with Axel for next year.

And then there is Asher. He was in the same facility from the day he was born until I got custody of him. They spoke Serbian there and Asher clearly understands Serbian. When we did his assessments it was with a Serbian translator, and when he had his surgery we also had a translator. In both instances he knew what the translator was saying, even 3 months after no exposure to the language.

But still, there is no speech. I don't really expect there to be with Asher since he wasn't speaking Serbian either. He has a lot of tongue issues to overcome before there will be speech for him. He's trying though. Still, he's silent unless you're sitting face to face with him, prompting him produce some sounds. When? When will he discover he can make noise? I expect that someday he will talk, but its a very long time away.

We put Asher into a mainstream kindergarten classroom. At home there is Axel who speaks like he's from Mars and Angela who, with her hearing loss, is very difficult to understand unless you know her well. Asher needs to be around kids who are speaking English all the time. Fluent English. Clear English. He needs to see that kids talk. A lot.

I loose Asher in the house all the time. He makes NO noise. Right now there are two kids in the bedroom playing. I can hear the electronic toys going, and once in awhile Axel will repeat the name of a letter, but otherwise the house is silent. It is any mother's dream, to have a quiet house. It's not my dream.

I wonder how God decided we should parent the non-verbal kids? I know "why". Because we could give them communication in the form of sign, or electronic devices, or whatever. But why did God choose that we should have silent kids? Someday I hope to ask Him. In the meantime, we continue to do all that we can. Encourage sounds. Encourage words. Encourage communication. Encourage, encourage, encourage.