Long overdue updates

I don't know how many times I have come to update, only to realize I have no idea where to start. There is SO MUCH going on in the Garden!

I guess I'll start where I left off.

Here we are, 4 1/2 months into 2015 and our life is not looking the way I pictured it. There are already surprises, changes of direction, and "Oh my gosh!" moments that cannot be anticipated years in advance. Thankfully Dean and I are pretty "go with the flow" people!

In February I posted about an upcoming surgery Abel and Audrey would be having. The same exact surgery for both of them. Audrey needed one knee and both ankles fixated, and Abel need both knees and both ankles. The surgery went well, the recovery a bit interesting.

Abel's surgery was done first. Given his history of being very combative when coming out of anesthesia the staff had Dean and I go back to the recovery room long before he was awake. Ours were the first voices he heard and the first faces he saw when he opened his eyes. He didn't complain much about pain (and he is one of our kids who DOES tell us when he is in pain.) A short time later they told us Audrey was starting to wake up in the next cubicle so Dean went to be with her, since she is a total Daddy's girl!

We had driven separate, thinking that one of us (probably me) would go home with Abel who was ready first. It is always good to be flexible with your plans! HA! Abel said he had to use the bathroom so Dean and I wheeled him over. The dr. said there were no restrictions and he could stand and walk if he tolerated it. Dean and I each stood on one side of him holding him under the arms as he stood up pretty quickly…and promptly fainted. And then threw up.

There was no walking after that.

When Audrey was done and ready to go home she was not at all willing to bear weight, so we wheeled them both out to the van and got everyone loaded in. Abel constantly looking like he was going to pass out or throw up. It took both of us to get Abel into the house and to the couch, but it didn't take more than an hour before he started hobbling around, and throwing up anything we tried to give him. Within a couple of days he was walking normally again.

Audrey was another story. It took her nearly a week before she was willing to put weight on her legs. Her right ankle was swollen for days, but even when it went down we couldn't get shoes on because they rubbed on the incision.  Her foster family in Serbia had sent Serbian house slippers along. They are much more flexible and zip up the side. They are cut just right so they didn't rub on her incision at all. Three weeks out there are still some mornings when she's a bit stiff and sore but once she's up and moving she's fine.

The kids have check ups with the orthopedic surgeon this week for X-rays and to check progress. I'm curious what he has to say about the occasional swelling that Audrey has. With all of this I decided even if they're ready at the same time, there is NO way we are doing the four weeks of casting ankle to hip at the same time. Having two, simultaneously, who could not bear any weight was too much for this mom. Lesson learned!

Ankles, Knees and Guided Growth Systems

Audrey is one very flexible girl. People like to use the term "double jointed" but there really is no such thing as being double jointed. A person can have loose ligaments and tendons, or ligaments that subluxate (slip out of place), but no double joints.

Audrey…oh this child…she can bend and twist in all kinds of interesting ways. One of the symptoms of Down syndrome is low muscle tone, which allows a child to be hyper-flexible. But Audrey is different. She bends many parts of her body backwards, and we can often hear her dislocating various joints. Like her ankles. And her knees. And her hips. And her shoulders. And her wrists.

Yes, dear friends, Audrey is able to completely dislocate all of those joints. I mean, pop her shoulders right out of socket, bend her ankles in ways they should not go, bend her knees backward toward her body.

The first time I saw this was on the plane coming home from Serbia. The flight attendant came walking down the isle, passing us with a horrified look on her face. I turned to see Audrey, knees bent backward toward her head, ankles dislocated, the bottoms of her feet against her face. I have never been able to catch a picture of this, but I can assure you it makes me queasy to look at! She has never expressed pain from any of this, and I suspect when she sat in a crib for years with nothing to do playing with her joints was a form of entertainment and sensory input. Now that Audrey has started running the instability of her knees has become more apparent and needed to be checked out.

Abel, too has one knee that is quite loose and appears to be what prevents him from walking down stairs with any kind of efficiency as well as preventing him from running.

We first met with a doctor who specializes in hips. He did a series of X-rays and thankfully both kids' hips are ok. But their knees? Yeah, he confirmed there is a big problem there. By the end of the visit we knew both kids need surgery on their knees. He sent us on to another doctor who does only knees and ankles.

Oh my, this is far more complicated than we ever expected! Yeah, we can fix the loose ligaments and tendons in their knees but there is no point in doing so until we first fix their ankles AND a different problem in the knee.

In both kids, their knees and ankles are misaligned. This is most likely due to lack of age appropriate motor activity during their institutional years. As the doctor showed me the X-rays and explained where the problems were (which were quite evident!) Axel's ankles came to mind. I think he will be paying a visit to this doctor as well!

April 7th Abel and Audrey will be having the 8 plate Guided Growth System placed in their legs. A series of plates and screws will be placed in their growth plates at both the knees and ankles. These plates will stop the growth of one side of the joint while the other catches up, putting their joints back in line to prevent long-term damage to all the joints in their legs including feet, ankles, knees and hips. While the surgery itself is a bit complicated, the recovery is quite easy. They will be up and running around within a couple of days without any restrictions!

After the surgery, every 4-8 weeks the kids will have X-rays done to watch the progress. When growth has reached the designated point, the plates will be removed. At that point they will have another surgery on their knees to tighten the ligaments and repair the soft tissue damage that has been done over their years of chronic subluxation. That particular surgery - which will likely happen sometime around September - will require 4-6 weeks of being casted from ankle to hip in both legs…for both kids. The good thing is Abel will probably grow much faster than Audrey so we won't have to do their casting at the same time.

As for Audrey's ankles, dislocating ankles are quite difficult to fix and don't have a very good success rate. Instead she will get a more substantial AFO to give her more stability.

So, that is four surgeries for kids (not even counting if Axel needs this done before his growth plates fuse!) and 3-4 surgeries for me all within the next 6 months or so. Oh yes, 2015 is going to be one very interesting year. 

Conversing!

We are loving watching the communication that is happening here with the kids. Asher and Abel's sign vocabulary is growing by leaps and bounds! Both have 1:1 support staff in school who are fluent in ASL, plus we sign at home as well. (I'm a former ASL interpreter.) Here's a conversation we watched the boys have this morning. SO FUN, especially when you think of the fact 18 months ago Abel had zero ability to communicate in English or Serbian, and Asher had no ability 2 1/2 years ago.

The scene: Asher and Abel are waiting outside on the front step for Dad to bring them to the bus. Dad gets something out of the car, locks the door and goes into the house.

Abel pointing at car door handle: "Papa opened the car."
Asher: "Papa's car"
Abel: "You open it." 
Asher: "Papa's car. Yes."
Abel, touching the handle: "Open it."
Mom (from the house) "Abel don't touch."
Abel: "Mom said no. Don't touch. Open it."
Asher: "Mom said no."

Airplane flies over. Abel looks at the sky: "There's an airplane. Up there." (takes Asher's chin and makes him look at the sky.) "You do it. Airplane." 
Asher: Airplane
Abel: "Eating is done. I need to go to the bathroom." 
Asher: "Go to the bathroom." (points to the house.)
Abel: "Mom! I need to go to the bathroom!" 

Learning to Ride

A few months ago I reluctantly listed my bike and sidecar - affectionately named "Nooner & Spank" - for sale in the sidecar community. I was really upset about it, but we needed the money for Audrey's adoption. I had lots of people who were interested but it was a really hard winter here. Every time someone wanted to come take a look we were having record low temperatures. Too cold to be standing around in the garage trying to start a bike that is too cold to start. In the end I never got them sold. I want to think its because God knew I was going to need my bike for a little bit of sanity this summer on the few days I'll be feeling good.

All the kids except Audrey got rides, (she is too small)  but we were most shocked to discover that Abel LOVES to ride! A year ago we couldn't even start the bikes with him around because he would panic. Now? Yeah, we've created a junkie! On his first ride we went several miles and he was in heaven so I decided to make a couple of stops to pick up some things. He was reluctant to get out, and while we were in the store he asked me about 100 times "More motorcycle please!"  Here is Abel, taking his very first ride.


Sadly, Asher does NOT like riding in the sidecar. I think its because he has such low muscle tone that the helmet is just too much for him. We had gone just a few blocks when we stopped at an intersection. I looked down at him and his lip was out and a tear running down his cheek. Poor baby! A couple days later he was asking for the motorcycle but we haven't tried it again. Maybe later this summer.

This year Axel is learning to ride being Dad! This is his first ever ride on the back of the bike. He loved it and rode really well. He'll be going with us lots this summer!

11

One year ago yesterday, Abel turned 10. For the first time in his life he had a Mama and Papa there to show him love on his birthday. Here is what I wrote on his big day last year:

Today our son turns 10 years old.
For 10 years he has never known love. He has never had a mother, a father, a family, a home.
He has never seen food prepared.
He has never seen a kitchen.
He has never seen a refrigerator full of food.
He has never had a real bath.
He has never gotten to lay in a tub full of water and watch the bubbles float around him.
He has never been tucked in at night with a kiss and a hug.
He has never had anyone to calm his fears in the middle of the night.
He has never NOT been thirsty.
His 10 years of waiting are over.

This birthday party was done for our benefit. It wasn't something Abel was used to seeing. Only the children who had families or regular visitors had birthday celebrations. Abel was scared to death by the attention. (the frosting on the nose is a tradition but I don't know it's meaning. When I find out, I'll edit here.)



That years seems forever ago. The scared little boy, who ruled his world by intimidating his caregivers, threatening them with tears, or heavy pieces of furniture.

Today he is 11. In one year his life has changed so much!

He has a mother, a father, a family, a home to call his own. A bed that ONLY he has ever slept in.

He helps prepare the food, and set the table and clear it too!

He loves to be in the kitchen.

He carries groceries in from the car and puts them away where they belong with very little help.

He enjoys a bath for a few minutes, but Abel is "all business" about most things in life so his baths are pretty quick. Splish, splash, rinse and get out!

He gets tucked in every single night, with a hug and a kiss, and "I love you."

You may remember this video, taken the first night we had custody of him. We are very familiar with institutional self-soothing behaviors, but we were shocked by the intensity of Abel's. He did this off and on all night long.


Every morning when Abel wakes up, the hair on the back of his head is a matted mess from this rolling, and once it got longer than an inch it would break off. Then one day about 3 months ago I realized the previous two mornings Abel's hair was not knotted. We watched him that night. Sure enough, Abel had quit rolling in the night! He sleeps soundly most of the night now.

Abel had no way to communicate when we met him, though he had come up with some gestures the institution staff recognized to have certain meaning but mostly he just mimed everything.

And now, one year later, he uses ASL sentences! "I need bathroom." and "I want drink please." "Outside go please." etc. He signs more than Axel and Asher do!

Abel has severe Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and anxiety associated with it. He is still hyper-vigilant but we have seen improvement from one year ago. In school he is trying so hard to be good, but the fact he is back in an institutional setting is very difficult for him. I debated keeping him home and homeschooling him. I know I could do a good job, but there will come a day when Abel will need to be with a caregiver other than Dean or I, and he is going to have to behave. Better for him to learn this now than in a couple of years when he is much bigger and stronger. Thankfully our school district has been very understanding of the challenges Abel faces due to his traumatic past. We are in very close communication, and there have been times when I'm at school every day of the week. It was especially rough for Abel while I was gone to complete Audrey's adoption. Not because he missed me, but because Mom, aka "the cop" was gone!

As far as attachment goes, this is a rough area for Abel. We do see see tiny glimpses that he is attaching to us, but he still struggles.  He is starting to give affection (this is new for him) but he doesn't know who to give it to. Dean is his first choice, but a teacher, or school support staff, or a stranger who comes to our door will do too! This is probably one of the most difficult skills to teach our adopted kids.  I have to say, in many ways Dean and I feel like we are tools to Abel's existence and nothing more.  We love him, we care for him with love, and we know that in his own way he loves us, but love is hard for Abel. Its something he isn't used to and so he resists it. It doesn't really matter to us if he never attaches to us. Our job is still the same.  Our job is to be his parents, whether he loves us or not. To teach him the skills he needs to be as independent as he is capable of being. At certain times it is clear Abel needs to disconnect from us and spend some time doing his own thing (usually stimming with a toy or ball) because that is what he spent 10 years doing and it is his default now. Every day we give him some time for this, particularly right after he comes home from school, and then we encourage him to join the family. Over the past year we have seen his alone time decreasing, and more often he brings his stimming toy out to the family area to be near us in his alone time. It is good to see, and gives us hope that one day he will let us in even more.

I've said it a thousand times, but I'm going to say it again. Adoption isn't easy. Adoption is trauma. Is Abel better off here than the institution? Absolutely! But the transition to a good place came with its own set of traumatic events. Abel had 10 years of nutritional, social, environmental and educational neglect. We will give him years of positive experiences to learn the things he was never given exposure to before.

And with that, I leave you with the birthday boy, so different in just one year. (please excuse my horrid singing!)

Abel was a bit annoyed when he came to breakfast and found balloons tied to his chair. 

Abel LOVES vehicles that little people can fit into. He gets very frustrated with vehicles that don't have people in them! He spends a lot of time looking inside them and trying to squeeze toy people that are too big into the tiny holes. He has really enjoyed these two vehicles so far, because he can open the doors and sit the people in seats. He tried to put his big toe in the bus, an attempt to get on, I think!

And of course, Audrey loved the birthday cake from her first American birthday party! 

Happy Birthday Abel! 

We are so proud of how far you've come! 

He Doesn't Always See

Sometimes Abel is blind. He is people blind. It comes from years of living in an institution where he was severely lacking in attention and stimulation. Let me explain.

A few weeks after Abel came home he came up with a game he developed on the stairs. He would throw his block down the steps (remember the block?) then scramble down to get it, then repeat the sequence. He did a lot of vocalization while playing this game, but he also shut out the world. We didn't know just how closed out we were.

Eventually the walls along the steps started to get wrecked so we had to put an end to the game. He was surprisingly accepting of this new restriction. But occasionally something would come over him. He would enter this trance-like state and move himself to top of the stairs. He would sit there a few minutes and eventually the familiar sound of the block hitting the walls on it's way down would reach my ears. I would stop the game and he would move on to other things.

One day I decided to sneak around the corner to watch his game very closely, and possibly surprise him with my presence so we could finally end this game that was now annoying the heck out of me. When Abel was at the bottom of the steps, I quietly moved to stand at the top. My plan was that when he returned to the top he would see me, be surprised I was there, and stop the game.

Only he didn't see me.

Abel tossed the toy to the top of the steps, watching it as it bounced around me feet. He scrambled to the top, gave it a dangle, then tossed it back down. When he moved to retrieve it once again he crawled around my feet to do so. He never knew I was there.

That is when I had a flashback to one of our visits at the institution. I blogged about it here. What I didn't say in that post is what I saw. Two little boys I had met three years before, who had been full of life, now sat nearly motionless in the corner of a room. They had become one another's stimming objects. One child lay on the floor, knees up, one foot crossed over his knee while he methodically tapped the head of the other. Over and over and over and over and over. The other boy lay motionless except for his hand which was straight in the air, tapping the foot of the other over and over and over and over. This was it. This was their life. They had become nothing but objects to one another; objects to be used for the only stimulation they could find in a world full of nothing.

Standing at the top of the stairs I realized Abel had slipped back to that world. In that moment I was nothing but an object to him. Something that got in his way and must be maneuvered around. Like the children who lay motionless in his room back in the institution, I was nothing to him.

Similar instances have happened countless times over the last few months. Today Asher and Abel were playing in the bedroom. I could hear that Abel was tossing a toy around the room (no throwing allowed) I moved to their doorway and stood still. Abel tossed the toy right at me, yet didn't see me. He moved to pick up the toy, reaching around my legs to get it out of the corner.

"Abel." I said, gently.

He blinked, grinned to himself, then tossed the toy again.

"Abel" I said, in a different tone of voice.

He blinked, then I could see his eyes focus and he saw me, standing directly in front of him. He looked confused, as if to say "Where did you come from?"

Abel still spends a lot of time in his own world, unable to see those around him, but each day he is with us a little more. Maybe one day he will choose to spend his entire life with us.

Four Months Ago

Can you believe it? Can you believe Abel has been home four whole months? It has gone so fast!  It seems like a lifetime ago, but also like yesterday all at once!

Four months ago we introduced our new son to the world. 

Here he is today! Like a butterfly opening it's wings for the first time, so it is watching Abel learn about the world around him. We love you son!

Business, as in busy-ness

Usually I spend the summer getting all the kids medical check ups done so I don't have to do them during the school year. This year several kids need some things done under anesthesia and I was trying my best to get it so each kid only had to go under anesthesia at once, AND so I could spend as little time at the hospital as possible.

That was a fail.

Instead, I couldn't get everything scheduled until this month, and Abel's are all spread out over a couple of months.

So here's what the line-up looks like.

August 29th, Angela and Axel will be having stents put in their tear ducts. Well, Angela is also having reconstructive work done on one eye lid (she's missing both upper and lower ducts on that side) so hers is a little more involved. She had this same surgery done when she was 7 but she pulled the stents out after 2 weeks so we decided to wait until she was older to try repeating it. Two kids but minor procedures so we should be in/out of the hospital relatively quickly. Angela is excited she's getting an I.V. (yes...she loves to have an I.V. Goofy kid!)

September 12th Abel will be having all of his dental work done. Many teeth pulled, some restored, and what's left will be cleaned. I cannot wait to get this done! I wanted to do it a couple months ago but we were trying to get all the specialists coordinated and it just didn't work out.

October 14th Axel will be having minor dental work done under anesthesia. He's petrified of the dentist so this is much quicker. We should be in/out of the hospital in a couple of hours.

October 22nd Abel will be having his tonsils and adenoids out. I am not expecting an easy recovery for him. He'll also be having an ABR (hearing test) done. His hearing appears to be fine but it's good to get this done since he'll be under anesthesia anyway. Unlike my other kids, he does NOT have a high pain tolerance.

We have a couple things coming in November too, but I'm waiting to get the dates.

And Asher? Well he just lucked out, didn't he?

Abel: 3 Months Home

Three months seems forever ago and like yesterday all at once. Three months ago we brought home a very scared, anxious, feral little boy. Three months ago we were truly worried how he would integrate into our lives.  If only we knew how appropriate Abel's name was for his new life. This little boy who was so wild, so difficult, so scared.(The pictures are blurry because he was in constant motion, which meant we were too.)

Three months ago a lot of things changed.

Me met this little boy who cried all.the.time.

He cried about absolutely everything. He seemed like a truly miserable kid who really didn't know what he wanted much of the time. In reality he was a little boy who had never learned to regulate his emotions, and his emotions were always extreme. In walks these people who don't know how to talk anything but gibberish and making him do things that he doesn't necessarily want to do. Like stand still. Or sit down. Or play with a toy. Or chew his food. We made his life miserable for awhile. Unfortunately there was no avoiding it.

But kids do what works, and crying worked for him in the institution. He got what he wanted much of time with those tears. When he came into our care he quickly learned the tears (or sometimes fake crying) wouldn't work. Now Abel has real communication. He is developing language. He can ask for things using signs, often putting 4 and 5 signs together, which gets him a response. He chuckles every time it works for him. "I want cup please" gets him his favorite past time of spinning this little cup on a chair, which would last for an entire day if we let him. Instead he gets 5-10 minutes and then it's time to be part of the real world again. In the last couple of days he has starting coming to me signing, "Play go please." and pointing down the hall. This is his way of asking permission if he can go play in the bedroom with the other kids. (not something always allowed depending upon his mood!)

Abel can sort colors quite well. If there is a food reward he does so effortlessly. Without the reward, he will intentionally mis-match the colors, shaking his head "no" while he does so. Sometimes even crying and sobbing as he holds one had with the other, trying to get it to put the color in the right place, but it's as if his hand has a mind and will of it's own which cannot be forced to do the correct task. Sometimes he will sign "sit" instead of matching the color, which means he wants to sit on time-out (which for him is about 30 seconds) Sometimes he likes to use time-out for an escape. Then out comes the food and suddenly the colors go exactly where they belong the very first time. Axel used to do the exact same thing. It is probably one of the strangest phenomenon I have seen, and yet I have read other adoptive parents of older kids describe exactly the same thing. It is very frustrating, both for me and for Abel. Fortunately, because of food rewards, we're were able to find out not only can he sort objects by color, but also by shape and size. YAY!

When we first came home back in April and the weather finally turned so we could spend time outside, we showed Abel the swings in the back yard. He was petrified of them. It wasn't the motion, because he loved to hang on the trapeze thing we have back there. I couldn't figure it out. Clearly this was fear...PRIMAL fear....I didn't know  how to get past it. Even food couldn't win him over on this one.

The one afternoon while scrolling through pictures of our time in Serbia for his adoption, I was reminded of an experience we had with Abel out on the playground. We were trying to keep him busy for the two hour visit and walked outside. It was one of the first times he happily walked with me without dangling some type of food in front of him. And then I had to wreck it by bringing him to the swings and indicating I would put him on one. OH.MY.WORD!!! The child absolutely FREAKED OUT! It was then I noticed, for the very first time, the towels that were on the swings. These towels are multi-purpose. They are used for bibs, wash cloths...and for tying kids into chairs or swings. Abel was a really difficult kid go have out on the playground, and I suspect keeping him in the swing was one way to manage him while out there.

It took weeks of food bribes, and making him sit on the swing for three or four seconds at a time before he learned he wouldn't die on that swing.  Then....finally....one day we were all out in the yard, when I turned back to see this. I cried real tears.


It wasn't easy, but the struggle over the swing set the stage for many other situations around here.

Here we are, nearly 3 1/2 months home. Abel is so ABLE to do so many things! Because he conquered the swing, he's now willing to try other things that would have been impossible for him to work through just three months ago.


And the growth!! When we came home Abel was the same height as Asher and four pounds heavier. Now he is 2 inches taller and 15 pounds heavier!

Asher and Abel are now inseparable buddies. They do everything together! We didn't know how much Abel depended upon Asher until I took Asher to Philly with me. That's when we realized that Abel really takes a lot of cues from Asher, waiting to see what he does when we give them directions together, looking to see if Asher seems afraid in certain situations or if it's O.K. to have fun with whatever we're doing. 

We got the last of medical specialists seen several weeks ago. The end of September he will have the first of three surgeries. Usually I try to get all the procedures done at one time but we just couldn't get everyone scheduled unless we waited until December, and that is just too far away. He'll have his dental work done first, then the of October his tonsils and adenoids out and an ABR, and later in December some urological things taken care of. 

It has really been an interesting 3 months as we and Abel learn about one another. He has come so very far! 

From this worried little boy who couldn't sit still for a fraction of a second

To this very confident tween who is READY to head off to school in the fall!

The List

When a baby is born with Down syndrome there are several medical specialists they will see over the course of several years. Some kids only see one or two, some will see cardiology but only once, and others - like Angela - have a large team of specialists is put together.

When you adopt a child with Down syndrome, it's necessary to play "catch up" with all those specialists. Given our history with our kids with DS, there are some specialists my kids see even if they don't have any symptoms because my kids are known to hide things. ;-)

The first thing on the agenda is dental work!!! Check out all the teeth squeezed into his mouth! What you can't see is how many are rotten, or the ones that are fused.

It's very common for kids with DS to not loose their teeth without intervention. When this happens the adult teeth come in wherever they can find space, including the roof of the mouth.

We'll get that scheduled as soon as possible. Since we know it needs to be done under general anesthesia we'll schedule and ABR at the same time. I'm pretty sure his hearing is fine but since he'll be out anyway it's better to just get it done. We also know he needs his tonsils and adenoids out but I don't' want our summer totally messed up so we'll wait and get that done when school starts in the fall.

Last week I made a goal to get all of the medical and educational specialists scheduled that Abel needs to see. Here's who we're seeing in May and June:

Dentist
International Adoption clinic
Ophthalmology (he had surgery for strabismus when he was 6, but one eye is still crossed.)
ENT (tonsils and adenoids need to come out!)
School assessment (so he can start school right away in the fall.)

June:

Urology
Craniofacial (Both Abel and Asher will be seen with a question of submucus cleft or VPI)
Gastroenterology (he has really bad reflux and rumination syndrome.)
Cardiology (he has a history of self-resolved ASD and something with the mitral valve.)

Reflecting

This is going to be a very "real" post. The hard things that we saw and thought during Abel's adoption process.

Somehow before we left I knew this trip was going to be different. I had been adamant that Dean come along on this trip when really he just wanted to stay home. Money was going to be tight but I didn't care. I didn't want to be alone this time. I also knew that if Dean didn't go through this whole process, instead just meeting Abel for the first time at the airport, that his ability to bond with this child was going to be difficult.

Back in December we received this picture of "B" - Bogdan.

We saw an awesome smile. We saw amazing eye contact. We saw lots of teeth. We saw a glowing spirit. We also saw "trouble". What we didn't know was this particular smile is his "Watch out!" smile! LOL

The day finally came, April 12th, when we met our son for the first time. When we first saw him he was sitting in a chair in the staff break room. He was dressed up nice in jeans and a denim shirt. I tried not to cry when I saw him sitting there as I tugged on the sleeve of Dean's shirt. "There he is honey!" Poor Dean, he was still trying to take in the environment, but I was on familiar territory.

We got a couple of quick hugs from him, then were ushered into a motor room. Unfortunately this was a room with equipment designed for infants and toddlers, and Abel was a big boy. Strong and burly, an absolute ball of energy. Oh the energy! We were astounded at his ability to communicate with us, gesturing and miming his orders to us. In the first 5 minutes he bit me in the knee. He hit us. He kicked us. He laughed in our faces. He exhausted us. He never stopped moving, evidenced by the fact we couldn't get a picture with him still.

The best word to describe him was "wild". He was extremely agitated. What we didn't know is he was missing his security item. They didn't let him have his block during this time, and we now know he was spending most of that visit asking for his trusty block. He was a whirlwind. He was naughty. He was what I expected and yet somehow worse. Keep in mind right outside the door, watching the entire visit,  were several social workers and psychologists. They would be writing a report of their impressions from this visit and sending it back to the ministry (like the state level) to let them know how it went. No pressure. No pressure at all.

Dean and I left that visit saying yes. Yes we would accept this child and continue with the process. We went home to our apartment and slept for several hours. The next day we returned for our second visit. This time we came armed with food and drink, planning to take him outside. We watched him interact with the caregivers, making demands upon them, and them giving him nearly everything he wanted. When it was time to go outside he pointed back to his room. That's when his caregiver handed us the block.

Our wild little boy. So hungry. So thirsty. I'll never understand the hunger. These facilities have money for food, but the nutritional value of what the children are fed is nearly nonexistent. The stealing of food  from one another, with nobody to defend the weaker ones. The "speed feeding", where the food is shoved into the mouths of children faster than they can swallow, causing them to sputter and choke because they don't even have time to breath, while most of the food falls back to the bowl being held under their chins. Abel was so thirsty that he tried to lap water from the puddles on the ground, including the puddle of bubble solution when he knocked it out of my hand. He tested everything to see if it was edible, including spots of bird poop on the ground.

Out on the playground the toys flew. Big, giant ride-on toys that he picked up and threw at us as if they were mere feathers. He bit. He hit. He scratched. He kicked. I wanted to start off on the right foot, making it clear to him from the very first moment that we wouldn't put up with this behavior. All while being watched from the sidelines; our ability to manage him judged, reports being written.

Dean and I were both afraid. Was this child too much for us? How could we get him home to the US? How could we even bring this feral child into an airport, much less spend hours upon hours in a plane?

On the third day Dean and I finally talked about our fears. We put it all on the table, and prayed, asking God to help us. The answer was immediate. The only way for us to do this was to get him out of the institutional environment as soon as possible.

The day we were allowed to take him to our apartment for the weekend we were very nervous. It's hard to take a child like this to someone else's home. We knew he had serious issues with food and worried that watching food be prepared would be too much for him. The very last thing were were told was, "He sleeps very well." That felt ominous to me. The institution sent us with a few diapers - which were way too small - so Dean and our friend ran to the store for bigger ones. They got the biggest size there, which barely fit around his waist.

At the apartment he wanted to touch e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. So many things were instantly put up high. He obsessed about drinking. We weren't in the door 10 minutes when he got hold of the crayons and colored on a table. That first night trying to get him to sleep was a miserable fail. We were told he was used to going to bed at 8:00. I think he finally fell asleep around 11:30 and he was awake at 4:30. After 10 years in the institution, how would he ever learn to sleep somewhere else?

This seems like it was all about OUR stress. I can only begin to imagine the fear this little boy felt. He'd been in the institution since he was born, and this was his very first night in a very strange environment with people he couldn't understand, foods he'd never tasted, a strange bed....alone. There wasn't another child an arms length away. It was dark. It smelled different. It sounded different. Anyone who thinks that adoption is all rainbows is naive. It is TRAUMA. While we were very excited about taking Abel out of the institution, there was nothing "good" about that day. It was scary, for all of us.

The next morning I was going to make a run to the mall for something similar to pull-ups. Dean was going to stay home with Abel but at the last minute he asked to come along. He wasn't ready to be home alone with him just yet, and really, neither was I. I also didn't think Abel was ready to be in the mall but we NEEDED those diapers. Dean and I each took a hand and I told our driver this would be the fastest trip to the mall he'd ever made. And that it was! In 15 minutes we were in 4 stores and had purchased diapers, socks, shoes and groceries.

We spent the next week taking many walks, learning to stay with Mom and Papa and, in preparation for airports, that holding a hand is not up for discussion. He learned to sit at the table and watch while food was prepared. He learned to eat at a normal rate of speed. He learned that when he goes to sleep at night we would still be there in the morning. At the one week mark we made a trip to the mall again andAbel was already much improved.

And here we are. Two weeks later on the other side of the world. Abel is a completely different child. I would have never guessed he would come so far so fast!!!! I think I could take him nearly anywhere at this point, as long as there are no large crowds. He is quick to take my hand when he's feeling nervous. He has bonded most with Asher and wants to be wherever Asher is.

If I want to introduce something new that I think might cause him to be afraid, I just let him watch Asher do it first.

He loves to have his teeth brushed now (I just had to have Asher go first.)

He goes to bed without crying, he is wearing underwear during the day, and although there are a lot of accidents, today was only the third day and already we see improvement. He has very little anxiety about food anymore, and can sit and watch us prepare a meal without all the worried noises.

He may not know the order of each day, but he knows the routine for each event. He knows where he sits at the table, he knows that after breakfast we get dressed, he knows the routine for brushing teeth, he get get himself on/off the toilet managing his clothing on his own. He knows where he sits in the car and he knows when the other kids go to school that they will come home later in the day. (he frequently checks for the bus out the front window. LOL) He is letting go of his block a bit. Today we went for a hike and he left his block in the car without worrying or asking about it even once.

We are so glad we decided to add Abel to our family. He fits in so perfectly here! When God told us "adopt!", he didn't say it would be easy, he only said that it would be right.

One Week Home

One week. I can't believe we've been home a whole week, and yet we've been so busy it feels like we've been home a month. This time of year is crazy busy for us, with Angela in Adaptive softball that has two weeks left, and then she and Axel both started Special Olympics softball that just started. The overlap complicates the schedule, plus add in Special Olympics track two nights a week for Angela, Axel and Asher. The only night we don't have anything going on is Weds and every other Friday! Mixed in with our busy schedule is one new little boy who himself is quite busy.

So how is everyone adjusting?

Angela: She's an old hat at this "new brother" business now. She has taken everything in stride. And, just as when we brought home first Axel then Asher, she hasn't altered her routine very much. Originally we thought we would keep the kids home from school a couple days so everyone could adjust, but upon arriving home both Dean and I felt the need to get back to our normal routine. Angela was anxious to go back to school and tell her friends that her new brother was home! When she left for school that morning she made sure I knew Abel should meet her at the bus when she came home in the afternoon. We did just that, and she was thrilled to see him. The first morning at breakfast she wanted to sit right next to Abel, but she soon discovered it wasn't really a good idea since she had food while he was still waiting for his. She has been politely reminding him to keep his hands to himself and "Abel don't touch my juice." Even when he's sitting nicely. LOL Mostly, Angela was glad to have us back, attending her ball games and tucking her in at night.

Axel: When I was gone to complete Asher's adoption, Axel's behavior went downhill, particularly once he realized what was happening. This time Axel was, for the most part, able to keep himself in check. Thankfully those who were keeping the ship afloat at home were really good about not letting him get away with much. This time Axel understood what we were doing, and there would soon be a new brother named Abel sharing their bedroom. He had fun talking with us on Facetime whenever we could manage it with the time difference. Since we've come home he is a bit on the quiet side. We're making a point of giving him a lot of praise and Dean is taking Axel along on guy trips to the store, having Axel help him in the kitchen and things like that. Once we find our groove he will be just fine. He went through this same quiet period when we brought Asher home.

Asher: Ok, Asher was a little turkey while we were gone! He had our caregiver convinced that he he wasn't able to do much by himself. By the time we got home he had "forgotten" how to put his shoes on, how to get dressed/undressed, how to take off his jacket or put it away. He's such a stinker, and an excellent con man. That first morning we were home he layed handed me his shoe and his foot. Ummm...yeah right. We expected some regression while we were gone so no worries. He has relearned most of his skills this week. ;-) Probably the most frustrating thing has been the night-time bedwetting that started while we were gone. I may have to break out that bed alarm. Again, regression that was expected. But adding Abel to the mix has been very interesting too! Suddenly we have virtual twins! These two boys together are trying really hard to communicate with one another. They have both been in the "parallel play" stage, but ready to move into associative play. They have moments where they get some game going (usually involving Abel's block or whatever Asher happens to be dangling) and then move back to times of using one another as objects. When Abel goes along to get Asher off the bus he ALWAYS takes Asher's hand as they walk up the driveway together. Yesterday I took the two boys to Target, each holding one side of the cart. It was kind of fun having these two little guys so developmentally close to one another, each trying to help me put things in the cart (I'm sure this will get old by next week). Asher has also started doing some fun things at the table, like CHEWING!!! I'm not sure which part of having Abel at the table is pushing him to chew, but...WOW!!! Today he ate popcorn! BOTH boys are chewing. It's not great yet, but for Asher we just made about 1 year of progress in a matter of days. I'll take it!

And then there is Abel, who gets his own post. ;-)

The World is His

Two weeks ago he sat, locked in an institution on the other side of the world. 

Now the world is his. 

Growth

We're growing in lot of different ways around here.

Asher, January 2012

Asher and Abel, May 2013

Today is DDD

Ditch the Diaper Day

Yes, today is THE day. It is the day I get brave and put underwear on the new guy. I was going to wait until he'd been home a couple of weeks, or even a month, but he is SO ready! He's even peeing standing up because he's a great one for imitation. It was hilarious last night when Asher was standing at the toilet and Abel whipped down his pants to join him. 

He knows what to do on the toilet, now he has to learn the "when" part and the "when not to" part. 

Pray for me. 

Abel and Dudley

The first time Abel pet Dudley.

Settling In

We've been home with Abel three full days now. It feels like we've been home a month and yet I've gotten nothing done!

Today I was doing some reflecting on our past adoptions. I remembered when we brought Asher home, he was a HUGE shock to our family system. In our heads we were adopting a 7 year old. In reality we brought home a 6 month old who could walk. He needed SO MUCH from us. He needed everything to be done for him. We thought we would have to childproof the house only to discover just the opposite! We had to teach him to reach out and touch things. That he could explore his world. That life is meant to be experienced, not passively observed from the shadows. We had to teach Asher how to LIVE. I would say the first two months were really tough while Asher learned the routines of our home and family. It took me two months to re-learn the logistics of having a kid in diapers. And a car seat. Who couldn't walk very far or eat anything that wasn't pureed to applesauce consistency. Eventually we all found our groove and we found our new normal.

Enter Abel.

I am keeping my eyes on the future. I'm remind myself that when I look back on Axel and Asher's pictures I realize they are no longer the same children. I can't imagine where Abel will be one year from now, just like I couldn't with Axel or Asher.

We were miraculously able to avoid jet lag coming home this time. This is an absolute gift from HIM because HE knew we wouldn't have time for it. No, between the extra curricular calendar, getting kids out the door for school, getting kids off the bus, taking Abel to the bathroom on a regular schedule, and never ever ever taking our eyes off him, there really isn't time for sleeping.

Abel is a very busy little boy. He has been VERY GOOD, he is just busy. He is becoming more creative in the games he plays with his block, going through developmental stages with his trusty friend. Today he played with Papa and a truck for nearly an hour! He also played with a hammer/ball toy, but took the balls out and tried to make his block work in their place. Today I took him into the bedroom and showed him how every one of the toddler toys work. He would try everything then shake his head and push it away. Later I went into the bedroom to find every toy had been taken off the shelves and explored (evidenced by the pieces all over the floor.) The other kids were at school so as long as I could hear him and I knew he was in the boy bedroom, I knew he was safe playing without me being in the same room.

We were going to wait until this weekend to introduce Abel to the dogs. Two big dogs and one small wiggly one is a lot for a kid who has been severely sensory deprived. Well, the first three mornings home he got up before Dean and I, and was found wandering the house. (that will change today!) Yesterday morning, after sending Abel back to bed, I crawled back into ours and told Dean, "Well, no need to wonder about the dogs. He's already met them and isn't thrilled."

The most difficult part of the day is morning, getting everyone breakfast and ready for school. It's been really difficult for Abel to sit and wait for his food, especially when Angela needs to get eating first because she's has to get out the door. Every morning has been lots of worry and fretting noises while he wonders if he's really going to get food. But he's learning the routine, and this morning he sat relatively quiet, making mostly happy noises while he waited. This was a HUGE and welcomed improvement! Today he had pancakes for the first time too, and he ate them without complaining. I can't say the same for the chicken strips and french fries we had last night.

Our first breakfast! Angela was already gone for school.

Abel LOVES to ride in the car! Before we traveled to Serbia, and knowing he was very close in size to Asher, I bought him the same car seat Asher sits in. Well, they may be close to the same size, but Abel has the more typical long torso/short legs that is more common among kids with DS. His torso is longer than Asher's so the harness on the car seat was too small for him. He is big enough to use it as a booster seat, but he is not ready to be in just a lap/shoulder belt. A couple days ago I brought him along to Target for some much-needed supplies. In a flash he was out of his car seat and had pushed the button for the sliding side door of the van. Yep! A new car seat was added to the Target list! Later in the day he figured out how to loosen the harness straps. UGH!

Have I mentioned that Abel doesn't sleep very well? While we were still in Serbia he was waking up between 5-5:30 a.m.. Now that we're home he's still waking up at the same time. Because he's been getting up so early and he's used to taking a nap, he's usually crabby and ready for a nap by 10:00 a.m. The first few nights, when it was time for evening bedtime, there were lots of tears and a bit of panic. Last night, for the first time, he climbed into his bed without prompting, laid down and pulled the blanket up over himself, just like Axel and Asher do. This is kind of funny since he hates having a blanket on! He fell right to sleep without any tears or worry. When I checked on them later he had thrown his blanket and pillow up onto Asher's bed. LOL

Later I'll try to get a blog post up about how everyone else is doing with their adjustment to having a new brother. 

Brothers

We're home now. I think its time to move back to blogging over here since this is our family blog and we're now a family!

Here is some video from this morning. As you probably already know, Abel came to us complete with his block (and a spare we have in hiding!) NOBODY touches the block. We have gotten us to play a back and forth game with us. I sign "please", he hands it to me, I sign/say "Thank you!" then he signs "please" and I hand it back to him, he signs "thank you." He's getting better and better at letting me hold onto his block. When he goes to the bathroom I would set it on the counter. Now he prefers to set it there himself.

This morning Abel was playing with his block on one of the dining room chairs. Asher decided to join him.

A bit of history: Asher loves to get people into headlocks, and is very creative about getting people into proper position to grab them, including baiting them into position if necessary. But Abel had a game in mind and he wanted Asher to play with him. I love how he taps Asher on the head with his foot and points to tell him to come back to the game. LOL